What are you afraid of?

There are two other young folks from Sergey's orphanage who were hosted this past winter and are in the process of being adopted. One of them is the same age as Sergey and had the same crazy paperwork mix-up that Sergey did, so he was hosted again this summer.  The other host/adoptive parents and I are in pretty regular contact, and this boy has become quite fluent in English, so sometimes we are able to find things out through him that we would not be able to discover from Sergey.  This past week, we finally found out why we have not been able to reach Sergey by phone since he has returned to Ukraine - his phone is broken :-(.  This makes me sad, since I don't think we will buy him another one - it was QUITE expensive and we should probably just keep putting all of our money towards our adoption costs.  Also, I think the conversations might have been somewhat stressful for him since he is not much of a talker and speaks no English :-).  We had our friend Emmanuel translate for us, but the conversations were still pretty short.  The other boy has offered to let us use his phone every once in a while to talk to Sergey, so I think that is what we will do from now on, just to be able to hear his voice and remind him that we are here and that we love him :-).

The fact that his phone is broken is not what has been continually running through my mind since we found out, however.  Instead, I cannot stop thinking about what the other boy told his host mom - he said "Sergey's phone broke and he didn't want to tell you because he was afraid."  Oh that crushed me.  Why is he afraid? What is he afraid of?  What have we done to make him fearful of us? Will he ever not be afraid? Has what he has experienced in his life shaped him into someone who will always be afraid? Will his fear shape the decisions he makes in his future?  Will it keep him from deciding to come be a part of our family? Will our love ever be enough to overcome his fears? And will his fear keep him from ever believing just how much we love him?????

I pondered those questions for a few days, and then one afternoon in the middle of nowhere it hit me that I am not so different. I may not have grown up in an orphanage, but I too make so many decisions based on fear.  Fear that someone won't like me. Fear that something bad will happen to my children.  Fear that I will lose my health.  Fear that I am not "doing enough" as a follower of Jesus.  And then deeper questions started whizzing through my head.  Does my fear keep me from believing that my friends/family love me? Does my fear keep me from believing how much my heavenly Father loves me?  And if I am honest I have to admit that it does.  I am so afraid that I am not doing enough, doing the "right" things, saying the "right" things, eating the "right" things, parenting the "right" way, loving my husband the "right" way, that I am paralyzed.  I run around trying to do all these "right" things, and instead of just REJOICING in the fact that I am wonderfully and perfectly created, loved deeply by my Father in heaven and lots of amazing people here on earth, I scurry around trying to earn the love that I already have.

So from now on, whenever I worry that Sergey will ever believe that we love him, I am going to try not only to pray for him that he will know that we do (and believe it all the way down to his cute little Ukrainian toes), I am going to pray that I will know, really KNOW, that God loves me, and loves me no matter what I do or don't do.  I am sure that you cannot relax and enjoy love as long as you are afraid, and as for Sergey and I, I will be praying that God will take away our fear and allow the deep love we have been given to penetrate our hearts.  I will pray this for you as well, if you want me to - just let me know :-).

Pic taken at orphanage by family adopting this sweet girl when they were there a few weeks ago. WHAT A TREAT to get to see these dear faces - thanks again Gary!!!