Week One Report :-)

While Sergey is here for the month, we are required to fill out weekly reports for our hosting agency: height, weight, likes/dislikes, new experiences, etc. They want to make sure that each of the children is thriving, and we have to regularly report in to let them know how the kids are doing.  As we arrive at one week today, I had the thought that doing a weekly report of my own might be a good idea, to be able to look back on as the years go by, to see where we have been, where we are going, etc.  I want to remember each and every experience we have - we missed almost 16 years and I want to remember everything from here on out.  At this point, I am thinking I will post these "reports" on here, as I know that so many of you are eager to know how things are going, and are such a deep, deep part of our love for Sergey.  If at some point it feels like these are too personal and that I shouldn't share, I will keep them private, but for now I'd love to share with you all how things are going.

We picked Sergey up from Dulles on Tuesday night. His plane was delayed by almost five hours, so it was quite late by the time we finally got to see him. Unfortunately, we were all (there were about 20 other families there picking up their host kids as well) at the wrong gate. By the time we realized this, the kids had already arrived and were walking down the main hallway.  Someone said that they saw them coming, and so I took off.  I will honestly never forget seeing his head peeking up above the crowd as they came towards us, looking for us, and then catching his eye and seeing the smile on his face.  I ran to hug him, and then let go so the kids (who were right behind me) could hug him as well.  We had to wait a few minutes for Clint, who was ensuring that we would actually make it home that evening by gathering up the wallets, keys, purses, etc. that we all had left when we took off running :-).  I am so grateful for my husband :-).  My heart was so full once Clint got there and we were all together - you can probably tell by the smile on my face in this picture taken moments later :-).

Together.

We checked in with the chaperone and then he was all ours for an entire month.  A month to love him, enjoy him, have fun with him, feed him, play with him, and get to know him better.  Sadly, though, there is always an undercurrent of sadness, at least for me.  It's also only a month.  A month at the end of which he will leave us again.  I keep trying to push that truth down, and most of the time I am successful, and able to enjoy this gift we have been given.  However, it peeks its ugly head up every once in a while, and threatens to steal my joy - I am praying hard for God to allow me to live in the moment and treasure each one for the gift it is. I think part of treasuring those moments will be writing these weekly blogs :-).

Getting into the car, as a whole family, felt right on so many levels.  Whenever he is here, it always feels like he has always been here, and it is almost impossible to imagine that one year ago we had never even met him.  He fit right back in, and as we turned on the Zac Brown Band on the way home, it honestly felt like he had never left.  I hope that is the case for him - that he feels at home, and feels the complete part of our family that he truly is.  I can only pray that is true.  The only struggle, beyond the knowledge that we only have one month, is the communication thing. Imagine that you have a child that you have sent off to college.  You go to pick them up for their visit home, but you can't talk to them and they can't talk to you.  You want to know everything about their time away - have you missed us? have you made friends?  how is school going?  tell me about your girlfriend, the food, your roommates, your teachers, the weather, anything and everything that you can tell me.  And let me tell you all about how desperately we  have missed you, how many people are doing everything they can to bring you here, how we think about you every minute you are not here.  How much we have been longing for this month, and even more so how much we are longing for the day when you are home for good.  And as you probably know, I am a talker, so this is especially hard for me ;-).  Pray for me - that I would be patient, and rest in the knowledge that we are all in God's hands, and that no matter what I can communicate to Sergey or what he is able to say to me, that God loves him more than I do or ever will.

Okay, on to the fun stuff :-).  We crashed as soon as we got home Tuesday night, and since it was past 1:00 am, we let the kids sleep in just a little later and then drove them into school.  We had a pretty chill day since it was just us at home. When we went to pick up Sam after school, it was so precious to see how crazy excited he was to see Sergey again (even from the night before).  He came running up to hug him, and was absolutely beaming.  On Thursday we went to have lunch with him at school, and got the same reaction.  I don't think I've ever before seen that particular combination of joy, excitement, and pride on my youngest son's face.  It was so beautiful.  His friends' parents (and sweet teacher) all told me how thrilled his friends were to see him at school - how Sam talks about him all the time and they were so excited to meet him.  It was so cute how several of them said that they were surprised at how he looked.  I think they all thought he would somehow look very different, but he really just looks like a Dowda :-).

Brothers :-).

We continued on our gathering route, and went to pick up Olivia at her school (Veritas, a private Classical Christian school down in the North side of the city).  She asked if Sergey would come and meet her friends as they were all heading to their cars, and her friends were so excited to meet him that Sam and I literally heard the yelling from our car :-).  Since she didn't start attending that school until this fall, no one there had ever met him, so it was super special for her to get to introduce them to her brother-to-be, and they were so thrilled.

We completed our route by picking up Harry at CMS, and all of his friends either ride the bus home or stay after for practice, so they would have to wait to see him again (although several did send notes of greeting with Harry to the airport :-).  Both Wednesday and Thursday after school were a glorious time of living life together - playing outside, making and eating dinner together, doing homework, reading our Advent readings, playing games, doing puzzles, and just being together.   Wednesday night we went swimming up at Burkwood, which was super fun.  Thursday after having lunch at CSES with Sam, we brought him home (with his teacher's blessing :-), and gave Sam a chance to have Sergey all to himself.  They played basketball, soccer, and frisbee, and then we all went up to Three Lakes Park and played there. The weather was gorgeous and we had such a great time - I cannot put into words what it does to my heart to watch these boys play together, and to watch Sergey start to really relax and enjoy himself.  He managed to tip the duck all way back to touch the ground (see below) - neither Sam nor I could get close :-).  He also did about a million pull-ups on the bar in about a minute, and threw a frisbee better than I can even though he had never done it before.  His sheer athleticism will truly never cease to amaze me, and if you have seen him play any sports you know what I mean.

Look at that effort :-).

Once Harry got home it was back outside for more basketball and frisbee, this time with our "other son" (our dear neighborhood friend), who was so happy to have Sergey back (as you can tell from the picture below :-).  Thursday night all the boys went to Sam's basketball practice and Olivia and I did the last minute shopping for school Christmas parties and then watched Downton Abbey. It was perfect :-).

Love.

Friday is Clint's day off, and we had the special privilege of having Vladimir for the day.  He and his sister are being hosted by friends of ours, and as they had to work we got to keep him for the day.  He and Sergey played FIFA on the Xbox (once Sergey finally got up :-), and had a great time together.  It was funny to see how teenage boys everywhere interact the same way - not much talking, lots of playing, and lots of love for video games :-).  Our friend Emmanuel came over to visit with us (he is a friend who we met when Sergey first came last year who moved here from Ukraine about 12 years ago, and is married to a wonderful woman and has two adorable little boys) to help us talk to Sergey.  I will not go into all the personal details that we discussed with him, but I will say that we talked about adoption a bit more and were very encouraged :-).  Sergey (despite having a girlfriend :-), definitely still wants to come live with us permanently, and said that his aunt is happy for him to come be a part of our family.  Again, not to go into too many details, but I will say that this is very good news and makes me super happy - we are praying that we will be able to keep up that relationship and allow him to have some strong ties to the beautiful nation that he was raised in, even as he comes to join us here.  Please pray for our relationship with her, that she would trust us and like us :-), and that it could be one of great blessing for everyone involved. I truly believe it will be.

After Emmanuel left, Clint took the boys to the pool and I went to Sam's Christmas party.  I think he was sad that I didn't bring Sergey, but I felt like it might be just a little too much.  For any of you who have been to a preschool or elementary school holiday party, that statement needs no explanation.  Clint instantaneously volunteered to miss the party and take the boys to Burkwood - I am certain that it is always just a little too much for him :-). I, on the other hand, LOVE them, and it was so fun to get to see all of my friends and all of Sam's friends. It was very hard for me to believe that it would be my last holiday party ever - they don't really do them in middle school or high school ;-) - so I tried to soak up every minute of it.  It's amazing to me how there are always doors closing and new doors opening in our lives all the time - life is such a mixture of sadness and joy.

The classic class party game, blowing a cotton ball across the room :-).

Friday Olivia went home with a friend, and went to her first dance/party at her new school. I was sad to miss out on seeing her get ready/take pictures/etc, but she had an incredible time and it was so fun to hear all about it.  Again, I think you can tell how much fun she had from the picture below :-).  At home, we bagged shoes and took them to the storage unit (I know, what a surprise :-), and had homemade pizzas for dinner.  After dinner we went up to Burkwood and played tennis and ping pong. I know I keep bragging on Sergey and his athleticism, but I promise I am not exaggerating when I tell you that he is the most natural tennis player I have ever seen in my life.  A sweet aside that some of you may not know: When you decide to host a child through New Horizons for Children (an experience that I will be SOOO "suggesting" to everyone I know, for the rest of my life ;-), you go to their website and there is a photo-listing of all the available children. There is a picture, and a quick bio, made up of just a few sentences.  When we were trying to make the decision, a little over one year ago, I was reading through the bios, looking at all of those sweet faces, wondering how on earth we would ever make this decision.  One of the things that the interviewers asked the children was "what would you like to learn?"  I got goosebumps all over when I read Sergey's - he said he wanted to learn tennis :-).  (For those of you who might not know, I teach tennis for a living :-).  I am pretty sure tennis is not super popular in Ukraine, and of all the things to pick it is so funny that he chose to say tennis.  And then even more funny that in about a year I think he will be teaching me :-).  Truly, though - you need to come see this kid play.  His topspin is beautiful, there is NO ball he cannot get, and you cannot get it past him at the net.  I officiated and the boys and Clint played doubles - it was so much fun.

My girl :-).

After tennis we went upstairs and saw that they put in ping-pong tables at Burkwood - SCORE.  Ping-pong is one of the things that Sergey has done before, and he is (as my boys would say) BEAST at it.  After having to watch other people play most of the night, I finally got my chance to play.  He beat me every game, but I did get pretty close a few times, and was very proud of myself.  Last winter when he was here we played a bunch when we were at the beach (pic below), and I forgot how much fun it was to play with him.  There is a level of communication that takes place when you play a sport with or against someone, especially when they are really good :-), that transcends language, and I LOVED it :-).

OBX Christmas 2012

Saturday we hung out here until it was time to go to the drive-in movie.  By the way, if you live in the Richmond area and have not been, you must go.  It is awesome.  We got there way early to make sure we got a spot, since we were going with our church's youth group and would have a bunch of cars.  There was a car-decorating contest, so we got right to work decorating the cars and playing soccer/disk-dunk/football.  It was 70 degrees out and just amazingly beautiful.  We had such a great time, watched Elf and Frozen, and WON the decorating contest (1st AND 2nd place!!!).  It was hard at times to see Sergey a bit on the outside, just because of the language barrier.  However, someone in our youth group won the contest last year, and used the gift certificate that she won to get us all in for free, as well as get popcorn for everyone.  We decided that this would now be a GCPC youth group tradition - we will go to the movie and win the decorating contest, and then use the gift certificate that you win to get everyone in the next year :-).  As I watched the movie and thought about this, I was encouraged to know that next year, Sergey will be right in there, chatting away with everyone else. Or, maybe not chatting away, but at least part of the mix ;-).

Goochland Drive-In CHAMPS!!!

Sunday morning Olivia, Harry and I went to the Hanover Arc Santa breakfast at Bass Pro Shops (who donates the breakfast for all Hanover Arc members - SUCH a cool thing!!). I was planning on taking Sergey as well, but it was so early and dark when we got up so I decided to let him sleep in. It was fun to get a chance to just be with Olivia and Harry, and to visit with our friends over breakfast.  We picked up Sam and Sergey for church, and were on time for church - for maybe the first time ever. I think he is a good influence on me :-).  It was wonderful to be worshipping with our church family, with my entire family together - probably the most "perfect" feeling moment I've had since he's been here.

After church, I took Sam to a University of Richmond basketball game with his travel team, where he got to meet Clark Kellogg, who happened to be there cheering on his son, a member of the University of Ohio team (and coincidentally the one who hit the three-pointer in overtime that won the game for them).  He was so kind to talk to the boys and sign their various items - Sam will now never let me wash that jacket :-).  Everyone here (including our "other son" Andrew Cook) went to a friends' house to watch the Redskins/Cowboys game.  Super glad Sam and I missed that.  Whew. It's been a hard year to be a Redskins fan.

Clark Kellogg with the boys of CCB

At UR Stadium.

When the game was over, they all came and met us at my parents' house.  My aunt Jeannie from Cleveland was here, and we enjoyed what were my most favorite moments we have had this trip.  While some folks watched football downstairs, Jeannie, Sergey, Sam and I (and later we traded Sam in for Olivia :-), played games.  We played for hours - we didn't even stop for dinner as mom ordered pizza delivered and then brought it to us as we played :-).  It was so fun to watch Sergey as he relaxed more and more (he loves playing games), to see him laugh, to see him celebrate when he won (which he almost always did because not only is he athletic he is crazy smart), to see him interact with the people I love.  Mom joined us after a while, and then by the end we had almost everyone upstairs involved in one big game of Old Maid.  My favorite part was when I picked the Old Maid from Jeannie, and tried to keep a straight face. I thought I had pulled it off until I met Sergey's eyes and he looked at me and then burst out laughing.  He knew I had picked it by looking at my face, and that encouraged me deeply to think that maybe he is able to pick up on more than I think, even without language.  It was a perfect, beautiful night of Sequence, Crazy Eight's, pizza, Farkle, and Old Maid, and we ended it off with the Christmas episode of "The Neighbors", Clint's favorite show (JUST kidding, honey :-).

Crazy 8's in front of the fire.

Yesterday we all slept in and then went up to Burkwood to swim.  They were playing Christmas music and we just had so much fun.  I love watching Sergey just PLAY, and swimming is one of his favorite things, so being at the pool is such a joy.  He, Harry, Sam and Cookie played basketball, volleyball, and all kinds of pool games.  Liv did the elliptical, Clint went for a run and then swam with them, and in between watching them I tried to put a dent in my enormously growing email inbox.  So sorry if you are one of the ones awaiting a reply - I didn't get far :-(.

Pool shenanigans.

As soon as we got home, Sergey and I headed out for his first official ESL lesson.  Some friends of ours who are hosting as well as adopting a 16 year old girl from Ukraine (with whom we will hopefully be traveling in March!!!!) were kind enough to include us on a lesson that a friend of theirs offered to give for free.  When I dropped him off, I felt the exact same way I did dropping the other three off for preschool.  I knew that it would be better for them and for me if I left (and the teacher definitely told me I should go :-), but I felt like my heart might get yanked out of my chest and stay attached to them as I left.  I explained to him what was happening the best I could and said good bye, knowing that it was good but definitely not feeling that it was good.  And just like when I came to pick up from preschool (at least for the first few weeks ;-), I was early and ready to get him, dying for him to come out of that door so I could see his face again and see if he was okay.  He did great, and we had him practice what he learned at the dinner table that night in conversations with the kids (which was hilarious of course :-).  So very grateful for that family including us in that huge blessing - and looking forward to having a few more before he heads back.

When the lesson was over, it was already 2:30 and we had not had lunch yet, so we were both hungry. ("Are you hungry?" "Yes, I am hungry" is one of the things he learned, so that worked out very well :-).  Actually, that is one of the few phrases that we all know in Ukranian - I got him to teach it to us very early on when he was here last year, so it's fun to think that we can all say the same thing in each other's language :-).  Anyway, I took him to the European Deli, which is owned by a Ukranian woman and is filled with Ukranian and Russian food (and people).  A friend told me about it recently, and Clint and I went by last week to introduce ourselves and tell them about Sergey. It was SOOOO fun to see him speaking to the ladies there, to see how much they liked him and to watch him pick out food that he was familiar with.  He actually did pick things out, which he usually will not, so that was really fun for me.  One of the things he picked out is pictured below - I have no idea what to do with it, so I am hoping he will. In the meantime, it is a great way to freak out anyone who goes in our fridge.   When we left one of the ladies gave him a bunch of treats for free - it was so sweet to see his cheeks blush a bit as he said "thank you" in Ukranian :-). Man, that kid is cute :-).

This. Is in my refrigerator.

We were STARVING by this point (they usually serve lunch there, so I was planning on us eating there, but she said that today they were not), so we went next door to Arby's and had some sandwiches and curly fries. Yummy.  I put a tic-tac-toe app and checkers app on my phone, and we played those while we ate.  He thrashed me in checkers, but I actually won more games of tic-tac-toe. Apparently that might be the only thing I will be victorious in, so I am going to keep that app on my phone forever :-).

After getting all hyped up on junk food and sweet tea (me) and Pepsi (him - although he told me he really likes Coke :-), we went to go buy him some shoes. He did actually come in a tennis shoe type of shoe this time, but the sole is already coming away from the bottom.  We went to the Burlington Coat Factory on Broad Street, so that we could just try them on ourselves. I was hoping he would tell me which ones he wanted, but as usual he deferred to me, so I picked some sweet Nike's that I think/hope he likes :-).  His feet have grown quite a bit since he was here last time, so I think he might get much taller than we had thought :-).  On our way to the check out counter he paused by a table with perfume on it and looked at it.  I realized that he probably wanted to get a present for his girlfriend, and he said he did :-).  I told him that I would take him shopping once the kids are back in school after Christmas, and he was good with that.  While we were standing there, he sprayed some cologne on his wrist, and then proceeded to smell it for the next twenty minutes.  This made me laugh, because Harry is the one in our family that he is the most like, and Harry smells EVERYTHING that he picks up.  It is such a wonderful thing to think that there are family resemblances that transcend biology or genetics.  We stopped by Target to pick up a few last minute things, and had to run through the rain and puddles to get to the door.  He took very good care not to get his shoes wet, and is always careful to take good care of his things, another way that he is just like Harry :-). Those are the kind of things that are like little gifts, every day.  God is so good :-)

We came home and he played games with the boys while I wrapped presents.  After dinner we got our hot chocolate and went on our annual tacky light tour.  I can't even imagine what he thought of it, but I hope he enjoyed it :-).  Once we got home we watched an episode of "America's Funniest Videos", a show that obviously transcends language :-). and then headed off to bed.  Which brings me to now - sitting on the couch in front of the Christmas tree lights typing this while all the males in our house are still asleep (Liv is upstairs enjoying rare free reign of the TV remote :-).  I know this ended up being super long, but I realized as I was writing it that it was already hard to remember what we did last week, and I just don't want to lose one minute.  I am thankful that God woke me up early this morning to write this, and I am going to try to do it every week, to hold on to these moments we have. And it is a LOT more fun to write about him when he is upstairs and not on the other side of the world :-).  If you are still reading - WOW I am impressed - thanks for the love :-).

Leaving the Three for the One

I have been doing everything I can to put off writing this blog post, but I have a completely free morning now that our tennis classes are over, and so I think I need to just do it.  The reason I don't want to do it is because I know I will end up an emotional wreck, and I'd rather not go there. At least by starting at 10:00 am I have time to pull myself together before the kids come home :-).  So here is the deal: I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE MY KIDS to go to Ukraine to get Sergey.  It's like this deep, deep dread that has been steadily growing, ever since we first started seriously talking about adoption. At one point we were pretty close to adopting a 10 year old girl from Ethiopia, and right when we were getting ready to make the jump and start the process, Ethiopia changed their policy to require two trips in order to adopt instead of just one.  We were certain that, at that time, we could not make that work (for lots of reasons), so we pulled out.  I remember knowing with such certainty at the time that we could not possibly make two trips, even if they would be fairly short.  After that, we made sure to only look at countries where you were only required to make one trip.  Soon after that is when we decided to take a break from actively pursuing adoption, because it was really taking a big emotional toll and I just couldn't do it anymore.

When we decided to host, we were not planning to adopt, so we didn't really look into Ukraine's requirements.  We just agreed to have this young man in our home for one month.  After we sent him back and knew that we wanted him here forever, we started looking more into what the adoption process would really look like.  And at that point, the dread started to really grow.  I kept looking for best case scenarios, folks who went for two fairly quick trips and were home pretty easily.  As the months have gone on, those have gotten almost non-existent.  Families have been there for longer and longer times.  It is now looking like we will more than likely be taking three trips, and one of them has the potential of being quite long.  One woman who is in Ukraine right now (her other children and her husband left a while ago and she is waiting in Ukraine with her adopted daughter for the process to be completed) posted this on her Facebook this morning: "Was hoping to get home next week, but as per usual, bureaucracy is slowing things down. I'm pretty much without hope at this point. I feel like I will just be living here forever. Tired of getting hopes built up for nothing." When I read this, I felt like I was going to throw up.  

I won't go into all the details of why the leaving is so hard for me, and I don't want to sound like Mr. Whiner.  There is an actual reason why I am sharing all this - well, maybe a few reasons.  The first is that I would LOOOVE your prayers around this issue.  Even now, as what feels like a literal physical something inside of me continues to grow, that God would bring me peace and freedom from anxiety and dread.  I KNOW it will be okay, I know that my kids here will be fine, I know that it is all worth it, but it is just really hard for me, so I would really appreciate your prayers, even now. The fact that I am now having a hard time seeing the screen because of the constant flow of tears is a good indicator of how deep and strong this is inside of me :-). 

The other main reason I want to share this is to encourage all of us by what God has been teaching me in the midst of all this.  I was with a dear friend the other day, praying with her as she is facing some brutally tough issues in her own life.  I had been sharing with her about our decisions as to how many trips to take, who should travel, etc., and so she prayed for me.  The phrase she used that has truly NOT left my mind since then (and this was over two weeks ago) was praying that God would be with us, as we "leave the three to go get the one."

Some of you know that Clint and I lead a group called Young Life Capernaum, which is for young folks with disabilities.  We started about 6 years ago, and it is the greatest thing that you could even possibly imagine.  A few years ago we started a Sunday School class at our church for some of these friends, and it is the highlight of my Sunday morning (obviously second to the preaching of my husband ;-).  The Sunday previous to praying with my friend, we had been learning about the story that Jesus tells about the shepherd who left his 99 sheep to go find the 1 lost sheep.  We always act out the Bible stories at Campaigner's, and so we had one of our friends play the part of the lost sheep. We meet at Chickahominy Middle School, in the very back corner.  As my friend started off on her hands and knees as a sheep leaving the flock, we turned our attention to the shepherd and continued to read the story. We had all assumed the sheep would just go away a little bit and wait for the shepherd, but that was not the case :-) (and those of you who know our friends know who this is :-).  She had gone completely around the entire hallway and was far away by the time the shepherd went after her. For some reason our friend who was playing the shepherd thought he needed to shuffle his feet instead of walk, so he sets off, in Clint's long black robe, shuffling along the halls at CMS.  We all looked at each other, and I wondered if he would actually get her. Would we need to intervene and go bring her back? Would we have to go find both of them and bring them back? 

Eventually the shepherd shuffled all the way to find the sheep and brought her gently back to the fold.  As they slowly shuffled/crawled down the long last hallway to us, I was so struck by my own desire to tell them to hurry up. Here the rest of us are, sitting here just waiting as you shuffle down the hall way. We have to finish the lesson, have time to pray, and be out to meet the parents in just a few minutes. I could tell Clint was having the same reaction, and even a few of the other participants as well.  I didn't really think much of it at the time, and it wasn't until my friend made that comment in her prayer that day that I started REALLY thinking about what it means that Jesus goes after his lost sheep, that He came after me and continues to come after me when I wander like my friend crawling away down that long hallway.  And then I went one step deeper, thinking about what He left to be able to come get me. He was in a PERFECT relationship, PERFECT fellowship with his Father, and had been in that FOREVER.  But to save us, to save ME, He left his Father. When He hung on the cross with my sin on him, He was separated from his Father for the first time in all of eternity.  Sometimes when I think about that, I downplay it in my mind, thinking "Yes, but he was Jesus, so he knew that he would eventually be reunited with his father.  He was parted for a time, but knew that it was only for a time, so maybe it wasn't really that bad."  And here is where the tears really started to flow, when it struck me that I am only leaving my three kids here for a short time. I know I will be reunited with them.  And yet it is still so hard for me that I honestly feel like I just can't do it.  It was infinitely harder than that for Jesus, yet He was faithful, and for the love of US and for the love of ME he did it.  And because of the love I have for Sergey, I will do it. I will leave my three here, and I will go after the one. 

I am praying that as I sit in the airport getting ready to leave each time, I will understand maybe just one more tiny glimmer of what it was like for Jesus as he prepared to face the cross. OBVIOUSLY it is a million, billion times different, but as I strive each day to really believe more and more that Jesus loves me, I think understanding even a bit more how hard it was for him to do what He did, and the fact that he did it because of his love for us, will be a wonderful thing.  And I think I will also picture my shuffling shepherd friend and his little lost sheep.  They were not in a hurry.  The sheep knew she was heading home, that she had been found by her shepherd. The shepherd knew he was bringing her back to the fold.  I don't need to be in a hurry to get everything done in Ukraine and get back here.  Eventually, we will make it back, and the one will be back with the rest of us.  And in the midst of my fear, doubt, anxiety, and more fear, The Shepherd will be there for me, leading me .  Please pray that I will know that deep, deep in my soul. I pray that for the sweet mama and her girl who are there now, eager to return to their fold. And I pray that for all the folks out there, eager to bring their sweet ones home, and that all the lost little ones out there would be brought home soon.

So fun that my Bible Study homework for last night was to look up these verses about the shepherd who loves us.  Read these and be encouraged :-).


Matthew 9:36 - "When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them because they were confused and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd."

Psalm 23:1-3 - "The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name."

Isaiah 53:6 - "All of us, like sheep, have strayed away.  We have left God's paths to follow our own. Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all."

1 Peter 2:24-25 - "He personally carried our sins in his body on the cross so that we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. By his wounds you are healed.  Once you were like sheep who wandered away. But now you have turned to our Shepherd, the Guardian of your souls."

Ezekial 34:11-16 - "For this is what the Sovereign Lord says: I myself will search and find my sheep. I will be like a shepherd looking for his scattered flock.  I will find my sheep and rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on that dark and cloudy day.  I will bring them back home to their own land of Israel from among the peoples and nations. I will feed them on the mountain of Israel and by the rivers and in all the places where people live.  Yes, I will give them good pastureland on the high hills of Israel.  There they will lie down in pleasant places and feed in the lush pastures of the hills.  I myself will tend my sheep and give them a place to lie down in peace, says the Sovereign Lord. I will search for my lost ones who stray away, and I will bring them safely home again.  I will bandage the injured and strengthen the weak."

John 10:11-15 - "I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd sacrifices his life for the sheep.  A hired hand will run when he sees a wolf coming.  He will abandon the sheep because they don't belong to him and he isn't their shepherd.  And so the wolf attacks them and scatters the flock. The hired hand runs away because he's working only for the money and doesn't really care about the sheep.  I am the good shepherd; I know my own sheep, and they know me, just as my Father knows me and I know the Father. So I sacrifice my life for the sheep."

How You Can Help :-)

We have had a request to make a page that makes it very clear how you can help us afford our $42,000 adoption of 15 year old Sergey, pictured below (he's the one in the gray shirt, and this picture is from when we hosted him for a month this summer).  Here are the two biggest things you can do right now, and if you ever want to just donate directly, you can just click on that button to the left that says "donate" and it will take you to a paypal page where you can donate :-).

1.  SHOES SHOES SHOES!!!! We are working with an organization that will actually pay us for USED shoes!!! The shoes will go to several different poor countries to help the folks there, and we will receive $10 for every 25 pounds of shoes we gather.  ANY KIND OF SHOES, ANY CONDITION.  You can bring them to our home at 10052 Rinker Drive, Mechanicsville, VA 23116 and stick them in the old blue Suburban that is always parked at the top of the driveway :-). We have already made almost $3000 from this drive - THANK YOU SO MUCH to those who have already donated!!!

2.  SHOP SHOP SHOP!!!!! If you buy ANYTHING on Amazon, and you click on our link before you shop, we will receive 7% of your purchase price, at no extra cost to you, and it is completely anonymous.  MAKE SURE TO CLICK BEFORE YOU SHOP - if there is anything already in your cart before you click on our link, it will not work. Nothing will look any different when you shop, but IT WORKS!! We have already raised over $6000 through this simple link - THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!  THE LINK IS: www.playtennishanover.com/amazon.  If you click on the picture of the 6 of us at the top left corner of this page, it will take you directly there as well :-).

We would be SOOO grateful if you would be willing to share this with your friends/neighbors/co-workers/family.  The wider we can spread the word, the more quickly we can get to our goal.  If you want to learn more about Sergey and our journey to bring him home, please click on "Our Story with Sergey" over on the right side of the page, under "Blog Archive". If you'd like to receive an email when we post a new update, just put your email address over in that box on the right :-).

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS and for HELPING US!! WE ARE SO GRATEFUL!!!

Is the kid worth it? (and another shoe update :-)

A few days ago I had an interesting interaction that I have been pondering ever since.  As some of you know, completing a dossier involves almost the amount of meetings/notarizing/appointments/paperwork/driving/WAITING/signing your name as I would imagine it would take to form a small new country.  Thankfully, my dear husband is MUCH more gifted at these type of things (please read "I am too lazy and think it's too boring, and thankfully he is kind and willing to do it"), but I have participated in a few steps along the way as well. One of these involved getting something re-notarized because when it was done the first time, the notary didn't quite form her "3" correctly and wrote over it a little bit. When we sent it in to our agency, they said we needed to have it done again.  It does seem a little crazy (everything has to be done JUST SO), but I guess we have just gotten used to it by this point.  When I went in and told her what had to be done, she looked at me like I was crazy.  And then when she signed her name with her middle initial instead of her middle name (her notary has her full middle name, not initial), and I asked her to do it again, she really started to get quite annoyed. Again, I can totally understand, and I just apologized and waited for her to do it again.  As she finished signing, she looked up at me and said (with a disdain only those in their 20's can really perfect), "Is the kid worth it?"

I smiled and thought of his sweet face, and said, "yes, he is."  I knew she didn't really want a real answer, but a big part of me wanted to tell her all of the AMAZING. WONDERFUL. INCREDIBLE. things about our sweet boy.  How he can light up a room with his shy smile.  How he can run so fast you would not even believe it.  How he can house a plate of food like you have never seen.  How he concentrates so hard to beat me in any game we are playing.  How sweet his voice sounds when he says "good night."  How he always insists on sharing with all of us anything he is given.  How much fun he had boogie boarding with Clint in the ocean this summer. How he rolls his eyes when I make him and my other boys put on collared shirts for our annual Christmas pictures at the beach, but then does it anyway.  How he falls soundly asleep almost instantly and sleeps so peacefully. How he ADORES our dog Tober.  How he is insanely fearless and crazy brave.  How he caught a catfish with his BARE HANDS.  How he loves to cook. Loves to play soccer. Loves to play games.  Loves to be with us.

OBVIOUSLY this young woman did not care about all of these things, so I just thought about them to myself as I drove to my next destination.  But what stuck with me as I really thought about it as the day went on was the question itself, "Is he worth it?" What she meant was, is he really worth all of this you are going through?  She only saw a teeny, tiny bit of the picture - one form that had to be re-notarized.  But there is a larger picture here as well.  Is he worth having your home overrun by old shoes? Is he worth posting so much on Facebook, asking people for things, that by the end of this adoption you might be unfriended by everyone you know?  Is he worth feeling pushy and uncomfortable as you tell folks at lacrosse/basketball/school/the store about the shoe drive and the Amazon link, and knowing that some of them just want you to go away?

Then a little deeper - Is he worth the heartache that we are all enduring as we say goodbye time and time again, and wait and wait until we see him again? Is he worth all of those many tears, by every member of our family?  Is he worth the time and energy that is being taken away from raising that family, by fundraising and completing our dossier now, and loving and raising him once he is here?  Is he worth the money that we will spend on him once he is here, feeding him, clothing him, getting English tutors, sending him to soccer camp, paying for all kinds of things that might be necessary to help him heal from what his life has been up until now?

And then, even deeper, where it really hits home - Is he worth leaving my kids here for a long time to go get him, when it is super hard for me to just leave them for the weekend and go to Myrtle Beach?  Is he worth the risk of what could happen to them, to us, once he is here?  Is he worth the unknown of all the things that we have been warned about could happen once he is home for good?  Is he worth upsetting the peaceful, happy, very-comfortable-and-super-amazing life that the Dowdas are living right now?

And the honest answer is, I don't know.  I do not know what our future holds. I don't know whether or not he will say yes or no when the judge asks him if he wants to be adopted by us. I don't know if we will come home without him.  If he says yes (which we think he will, don't worry - he's already told us yes several times :-), I have no idea what will happen when he comes here to live for good.  From all the books I have read, I do not think it will be the everything-works-out-perfectly and everyone-is-super-happy ending that I know that I have planted deep in my heart and in my head.  No one really knows what it will be like.

But here is what I do know. I KNOW that God has chosen US to love this boy. I have no doubt of that. NONE.  NONE AT ALL. (well, most of the time I don't ;-).  And how, you ask, do I know?  I know because when I saw his bio from New Horizons, he said he wanted to learn to play tennis. I know because he looks like he could be Liv's twin brother.  I know because he loves to play games. And he loves to win.   I know because I can tell how he feels about our other three kids, and how he feels about us.  I know because he doesn't like to talk much, and between me and Sam there isn't much more room in our house for more talking.  I know because when I am with him, I just know.

And then there is - the shoes.  When I start to doubt at any point, I just think about the shoes.  We receive this email out of nowhere, about how we can get money for our adoption through used shoes. I start posting about it, and send out an email.  Almost immediately, we start getting shoes.  We get a storage unit donated, that is a mile from our house.  People we have never met are collecting shoes at places we have never heard of.  Everywhere I go, everyone I talk to, tells me some amazing story about a connection they made, or someone they heard of who is collecting shoes.  We have friends in other cities collecting them, friends in other cities sending them to us.  Friday night the boys and their friends sorted about 40 bags (thank you friends :-). Then by Monday the Suburban was filling up so I sorted about 15 more.  By Tuesday the Suburban was filling up, and by Wednesday there was literally not one more inch open in it.  Today I have received 7 different messages from folks who are bringing them by today - and some of them are bringing a LOT.  I feel like at this point I would not be surprised if I opened my door and they just started falling from the sky.  It feels THAT INCREDIBLE to me. THAT MIRACULOUS.

It just feels like God saying "Have no doubt. He is worth it. I picked you for him."  Every pair of shoes feels like confirmation. Every time I open the Amazon account and see how it continues to grow. Every time someone orders a 31 bag.  Every $15 that was donated last week.  Every time someone shares our link on Facebook. Every. Time.  It feels like God saying, "Yes. He is worth it."

SO, please oh please oh PRETTY PLEASE know how much each one of you is a part of what we are doing.  PLEASE know how desperately grateful we are to you.  Not only are you financially helping us bring him here, but you are the arms of God, hugging us and reassuring us, "He is worth it."  And ultimately, it all comes back to Him (with a capital H), right?  Because WE WERE WORTH IT.  He came to this earth.  "He left his Father's throne above, so free, so infinite his grace. Emptied himself of all but love, and died for Adam's helpless race." We were helpless. We were orphans.  We were alone.  And He came and rescued us, brought us home, brought us to Himself. There was nothing in us that made us worth it, but because of who He is, He believed that we were, and He came.  Thank you, God for coming for us, and thank you that you are allowing us to come for Sergey. Please provide families to come for each and every child who doesn't have a home.  Please allow more families to have this amazing blessing that we are experiencing.  You are so good.

What these shoes are REALLY going to do

(PLEASE read to the end - the best story is last :-).  As many of you know, we are now completely ensconced in used shoes.  They are on our porches, in our cars, on our driveway - everywhere we turn there are smelly, old, dirty, getting-rid of shoes.  But EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. feels like love to me.  I knew when I read about this fundraiser that it was going to be awesome (hopefully not in the way that I KNEW that the ladies night out roller skating with our church was going to be awesome - I am still shocked that hardly anyone wanted to go, and it permanently bruised my confidence in knowing what people want, but anyway...).  Thankfully, I WAS right, and it has far exceeded even my very optimistic expectations.  We have gotten LOTS of shoes.  And hope to keep getting more as long as we have this storage space!!

Obviously I know that there are shoes out there that people don't want anymore - everyone has at least a few pairs in their closet.  It doesn't seem surprising that they would bring their unwanted shoes to us.  What I was totally unprepared for was how excited everyone would be to help us - really, really help us.  Folks we don't know that well (or even know at all!) are telling their friends about us, sharing it on Facebook, putting boxes on their porches for collecting, gathering up shoes from their gyms, their clubs, their workplaces, their schools.  People are setting up collection boxes, handing out flyers, giving out bags, spreading the news everywhere they go.  In their eagerness to help, it almost feels like they are getting something FROM us rather than giving something TO us.  It has completely blown my mind and brought me to tears more times than I would like to admit.  If you want some beautiful examples of how people have loved us, just ask me the next time you see me - I literally have new ones every day.

What I wanted to talk about for a few minutes was something that a sweet friend said to me the other day.  I was at a local church dropping off a collection box.  A woman I don't know super well (I teach her kids tennis) had contacted her church to see if they could put a box in their hallway. The church agreed, and now also has put up flyers on their bulletin board and included us in their weekly email and their newsletter. (SEE??? This is what I am talking about.)  Anyway, I dropped by to put up the box, and a group that had been meeting there was just finishing up.  (As an aside, two friends that were there who had no idea I would be there saw me and said - Oh, I have shoes for you!! - and ran out to their cars to get them. SEE????).  I stopped to chat to this sweet friend who I don't get to see very often but has been so kind and supportive all along during this process.  We were talking about the whole shoe thing, since she saw me putting up the box, and she said that as she saw all the ways that God was providing for us to bring Sergey here, she thought "Wow.  I can't even imagine what God has in mind for Sergey.  He must have great plans for him."

Now it is a bit awkward to admit this, but I don't think I've really spent much time thinking about Sergey's future.  I am so fixated on the present - the fundraising, the paperwork, etc, that I just can't even imagine what it will be like when he is here. Or if I do think of that, I think in terms of how fun it will be to take him to soccer camp next summer and introduce him as my son, and bring him home each night knowing that he will not be leaving again. What I don't really think about much is what the rest of his life is going to look like.  Obviously we do not know what God holds in store for any of us, even tomorrow, or even in the next hour, so trying to figure out what Sergey's future will look like is not productive.  However, thinking that God has such great plans for Sergey that He would do so much for us to get him here - to bring us tons and tons of shoes, to place in the hearts of folks the desire to help us in this way, to allow so many people to fall in love with this boy for reasons they don't even know - that is mind-blowing (and caused me to cry the entire way home, which, by the way, I have decided is not such a safe way to drive).

God is about setting the lonely in families, about loving orphans and widows, about caring for the least of these.  But to think that He has great things for THIS one boy, this sweet soul who is going to be part of our family in just a matter of months - that almost takes my breath away.  I am not saying that I know he will necessarily do great things in the way people normally think of great things (amazing doctor, famous lawyer, brilliant surgeon, world-changing politician), but in the exact way that God has planned for him.  To think that no one else besides our Sergey can do what God wants done - that He is bringing Sergey to us to glorify Himself, not just to save him from an orphanage or life on the streets in Ukraine, is almost more than I can handle.  It is so humbling, encouraging, amazing, breath-taking, to think that our family gets to take part in plans that originate in heaven.  To know that we will get to watch as the future unfolds for this young man - no words.  Grateful that you all will be there watching with us. :-).

OK, PS.  You know I couldn't end without telling you at least one more story. As I was typing this up my phone rang with a number I didn't know.  It was a woman who got our flyer through Harry's travel lacrosse team.  We have never met her and her son isn't even actually even on the team yet - they are in the middle of tryouts.  And her son is in high school, so he and Harry would never even play together anyway.  She went to a yard sale that her son's school was having and asked for all of the shoes that were not sold, bagged them up, and has them to bring to me. THEN she tells me that she told her Bible study about us on Wednesday and that they all wanted to participate.  She asked me to send her an electronic copy of the flyer, so she could send it out to her friends.  I just now flipped over to check my email and she has already sent something out to the 50 ladies in her Bible study group, a beautiful email full of truth from the Bible and the details of our fundraiser, with the flyer attached.  So now there are 50 more people who have heard of Sergey, might be praying for him, might meet him one day.

OK one more.  As we were unpacking the shoes tonight, several of the bags had these cute pink flyers attached (see below).  I read one, and saw what a friend of a friend had done (a woman I have still never met, we just recently became friends on Facebook through a mutual friend).  She brought over tons of bags yesterday, from this drive that they did at her school - a bunch of 4th grade girls apparently called the "Giggles Girls" got together and gathered up shoes for us.  People we don't even know.  For us. For Sergey.

OK one more.  Then I'll stop - I promise.  Our dear friend told her family in Ohio about our fund.  Her aunt drove her car ALL THE WAY FROM OHIO completely jam packed with shoes, hundreds and hundreds of them.  Her little seat where she drove was like a little pocket, and everything else was jammed.  They pulled up as we were bagging shoes tonight (I had no idea they were coming), and I got to hug her and try desperately to keep from sobbing.  She mentioned in passing that she didn't have a lot of air as she was driving - and considering that is was about 100 degrees today I just can't believe that. A woman I have never met drove so far to love a boy she's never met, with a car full of love from Ohio.  How is that possible.

Shoes for Sergey!!!!

We are CRAZY EXCITED to announce that we have found the fundraiser to beat all fundraisers. We gather up used shoes (no matter HOW OLD or beat down, no matter what kind - sandals, cleats, tennis shoes, dress shoes, whatever) and then we send them to this organization (amazing group started by the guy who started Soles4souls). We collect bags with 25 pairs of shoes each, and if we can collect 300 bags we can earn $3000 towards our adoption fund!!! They send the shoes to poorer countries and use them to bless the folks there, both by providing shoes as well as jobs, since they will restore the shoes before they distribute them. THE ULTIMATE WIN-WIN!!!! I have flyers to hand out, bags to give out, huge collection boxes that can be placed anywhere you suggest, posters, etc, and now we just need your help . We would LOVE for you to ask your friends/neighbors/co-workers for shoes and gather up as many as you can. We are also looking for anyone who might have ideas of where we could collect larger amounts, like from an office/church/organization. If you would just take a few minutes to think through any ideas you might have for us/any people you know who might have shoes they could contribute/anyone you could share this with who might be able to help/anywhere we might be able to stick up one of our flyers/pray that this will be an amazing success, we would be SOOOO grateful!!!! 

I would also just like to add a little bit to make sure that God gets the glory on this one - Clint received an email about this a few weeks ago. It was out of the blue, and we have no idea how he got on the email list that went out.  We were trying to figure out where it came from, and were so happy to be able to say that it truly came from God :-).  He is taking care of raising this money to bring us to Sergey - and He is doing it through all of you.  We are WILDLY grateful to Him and to you.  Seeing how He has provided through each and every one of you, and being showered by your love and support, has been my FAVORITE part of this journey (well, except of course, getting to adopt Sergey ;-). LOVE!!!

Liv

I read an article recently about how there is a indirect correlation between the amount of time that you spend on Facebook and the amount of happiness and satisfaction in your life - the more time on Facebook, the less happiness you experience.  One of the main points was this: everyone posts their pictures, stories, etc, at their very best.  We only see the tiny little window of perfect life posted in shiny color, and then we extrapolate to assume that everyone is living that perfect life all the time, while we plod away in our dull, every day, I have to make-lunches-clean-the-house-go-to-the-store lives.  We all know this isn't true, but apparently the more you look at it, the more unhappy you will become.

However, I thought more about this today and thought about the fact that we just need to be able to see these glimpses with the right eyes, and then we could actually increase our happiness by looking at Facebook.  Over the last months, since I have moved from Facebook reader to Facebook poster, I have often felt the urge to post when something great happens. It is not that I want to brag, or want anyone else to feel bad that they did not experience what I just did. I don't want to engender jealousy, and I definitely don't want anyone to be sad.  I just want to share the joy.  It's like when you bite into a super yummy dessert and you want everyone else at the table to take a bite and see just how amazing it is. Or you see a rainbow and you want to tell everyone to look up at the sky. Or the way that the males in my family always feel that I need to come into the living room where the TV is, stop whatever I am doing in the kitchen or elsewhere in the house, and "watch this AWESOME play."  We just want others to share in our joy, and for some of us at home with kids, or alone at work, or whatever, the easiest/only way to share that in the moment with a whole bunch of people might be to post it on Facebook.

The reason I was thinking about this was that I really wanted to post a picture of Liv on her first day of school today.  She looked absolutely beautiful in her uniform.  She is just truly a picture of loveliness, both inside and out, and I felt like my heart would burst looking at her as she headed out the door to her new school.  For those of you who know us, you know that this road has been long and hard for everyone involved, especially Liv, and to see her head out so bravely to this new part of her journey, ready to embrace what lies ahead, filled me with such pride.  Without complaint, she has given up her cute wardrobe for a uniform (but she still looks SOOOO cute!!!), read the Odyssey (and fully annotated it), spent a week this summer at Latin boot camp (yes, I said Latin boot camp), and left behind everything she has known since kindergarten to embark on this new journey.  She has been willing to pour herself immediately into new friendships, into new buildings, into new languages, into new everything, and she has done it with the same grace and beauty that she brings to everything she does.  However, like I said, it was not an easy road for her to get here. And there were sacrifices made by all involved.  We were supported so very strongly by so many dear friends, praying that God would show us the right place for our daughter to develop into the young woman that He wants her to be (and we are SOOO grateful to each of you!!).  We were given a wildly generous scholarship, so that we could send her there in the midst of a very expensive adoption.  We were prayed for and prayed for and prayed for.  We were encouraged, loved on, asked about, and loved on some more.  So this day was such a true gift, in every sense of the word. Just a gift, given to us by our dear Father in heaven.

When I was a kid and I would get a present for Christmas or my birthday that I really loved, I would immediately grab it, jump up and down, run around like crazy, yell and scream, hug my mom, hug my dad, clap my hands, and basically go nuts. (The truth is, I still do that, and if you'd like to see, feel free to give me a gift anytime - I love presents ;-).  I wanted everyone to see it - I wanted to call my friends and tell them about it.  It's the natural reaction, I think, to having something given to you that you find lovely - you just want to share it.  It's the reason we crazy Christians want to tell people about Jesus - we just want everyone to share Him.  So I think when people post super fun awesome things on Facebook, it's not because they want to brag, or make other people jealous, or show off what they have - I think it is just the modern day equivalent of running around your house, jumping up and down and showing everyone your present.  So today, I'd like to jump up and down and clap my hands and show you the amazing, incredible, indescribably wonderful daughter (who by the way now goes by Liv) that God gave us as a gift 14 years ago.  We are not bragging, because we did not make her. We are celebrating the one who gave her to us, the one who did make her, the one who continues to lavish her with love.  Please celebrate with us and share in our joy (and see how cute she looks in her uniform :-). We love you Livvy Grace.  More than you will ever know.

You Were Made for This

This past week we had the blessing of spending the last week of summer at my parents' lake house at Smith Mountain Lake. We allowed the kids to each bring one friend, so we had a full house and tons of fun.  On one of the nights we were there, a rain storm passed through just as the sun was setting. The air got cooler, but we didn't have any lightning or thunder, just rain.  A few of the kids really wanted to go knee boarding, and we had just come in from the boat, so I offered to take them on the wave runner.  As I was driving the wave runner in the chilly rain with the darkness beginning to close in, something hit me that I have been thinking about ever since.  It was this simple - "I love this, and would rather be doing this than anything else, right now."  I can think of many, many people who would not have been happy doing what I was doing - too cold, too wet, already been on the lake all day, super hungry, just-want-to-sit-on-the-dock-and-read-my-book.  For me, though, I am the person who wants to be out on the lake.  Even in the rain. And the cold.  I just want to.  Especially if it involves driving the wave runner. At high speeds :-).

Here is why this struck me:  There are so many other things that I see moms doing and wish so desperately that I were that mom.  I wish my kids had scrapbooks, or even a baby book (or cute pictures from every first day of school holding those cute signs!!!).  I wish I wrote notes and put them in their lunches. I wish that every night I tucked them in and sang to them in a beautiful voice.  I wish I read the Bible with them more, prayed with them more.  I wish I told them more often that I love them.  I wish our house was always clean, or I always cooked dinner, or I didn't have days where I just cannot deal with them and just want them to leave me alone so I can be sad.  I wish I were kinder.  More patient.  More encouraging. A better listener.  I wish they always felt safe and always knew they could tell me anything.  I wish I were less critical. Less judgmental.  Less quick to tell them what to do and then less quick to be mad at them when they don't follow my advice.  More of so many things and less of so many other things.

Now please hear me that I am NOT saying that I shouldn't try harder to be a better mom and love my kids better in so many ways. It is not okay for me to just say "Oh well, I'm a critical person and my kids are just going to have to get over it." I need to pray for God to change me, and to make conscious decisions to hold my tongue when I'd rather not.  I TOTALLY realize that, and I am not AT ALL excusing my sin by saying, "Oh that's just my personality."  What I AM SAYING is that I would like to celebrate that God made me as someone who wants to drive the wave runner in the cold rain.  I don't have to tell myself, "The kids really want to do this and so I need to do it, whether or not I want to." (There are plenty of those times in my life as well!!)  Instead, I honestly want to do it.  It made me so thankful to God, that He created me in this exact way, to be the exact parent He wants me to be.  And instead of looking at all the folks out there doing all the crafty, creative, beautiful things that they are doing and wishing that was me, I was just so happy that I could be driving that wave runner. And loving it.

I have been rejoicing even more in this as the days have passed, thinking about how adopting Sergey fits into this.  My game-playing, adrenaline-seeking tendencies work out so well.  Most games can be played without a common language, and they bring a unique kind of bonding (and BOY HOWDY I have played a lot of games with that boy).  And the fact that I have never made a single scrap book for my kids or even a baby book just means that he won't be the only one in the family who doesn't have one ;-).  Young Life re-branded themselves a few years back with the slogan "You were made for this," and that is the phrase that came to mind as I zoomed around that cove at Smith Mountain Lake with the raindrops pelting my face, covered in goosebumps.  I was made for this, for being the mom that Liv, Harry and Sam need, and one day soon, for being the mom that Sergey needs.  And being the wife that Clint needs, since my drive for adrenaline allows him to sit on the dock and read ;-).

PS - I just reread this and before I post it, I would like to add one post-script.  I feel like I read things often that women have written about their lives - as friends, or moms, or wives, or whatever - and end up feeling worse about myself after reading them.  Please hear me that I truly, TRULY TRULY want this to be the opposite for you, if you feel that.  Hear this instead: those of you who know me well know how DEEPLY I struggle with feelings of insufficiency, with an inability to see anything good in myself, with a desperate desire to be anyone but me (and now all of you know :-).  So this blog is NOT about me bragging or telling everyone how great I am just because I like to drive wave runners. It is a thank you note to God, an answer to prayer, a praise that I want to share with everyone, because here, in this one little thing, I saw the love and kindness of God towards me, and actually believed it in my heart.  So if you are discouraged, I challenge you to think of one thing, even a tiny small thing like the fact that you love watching movies, or enjoy reading historical fiction, or adore eating chocolate, or are fantastic at organizing, or think that cooking is beautiful, or are awesome at knitting - and ask God to show you how He is using that in your life.  Because it IS true:  You were made for this.

Rescued, ransomed, redeemed

I had the great privilege of being part of something this morning that truly lifted me right up close to the gates of heaven.  Not to be too dramatic, but I am certain that if we had all listened carefully we could have heard the angels rejoicing.  Our friends welcomed a young man into their house exactly one year ago out of the foster care system, and today was the day that he officially became their son.  I want to write a letter to them, and to brag on them a bit, I want to bring you all in. It makes me so proud to be their friend, and so thankful that we are part of the same family in Christ. I wish each one of you could know them - they are my heroes.  Here's to you, Jason and Amara:

Dear, dear friends,

I know I am known for my tendency to exaggerate, which I don't mind. However, now is when I hate having that reputation, because I think people write me off a bit - Oh that's just Jen and she's crazy.  So I want to say THIS IS NO EXAGGERATION. I will literally, as long as I live, and certainly into eternity, NEVER EVER EVER forget this morning.  I truly think it is the closest I have come to experiencing the heart of God, and I think it was my best preview of what heaven will be like.  And I just want to thank you from the depth of my soul for allowing me and my family to be a part of such a beautiful, intimate moment.

As you sat there in the courtroom, lined up in a little row with your family behind that railing, I was desperately trying to take as many as I could of what Sam's teacher last year called "mental pictures" (she was trying to discourage kids from bringing expensive phones and cameras on the field trip at the time - the Henrico County Court does more than just discourage them, so unfortunately my pictures had to be in my mind :-).  It's part of the reason I want to write about it here, so I can always remember just what it was like. Jason, you sat there on the left, with your sugary-so-sweet-I -could-literally-eat-you daughter on your lap.  To your right was your handsome, brave, I-so-want-to-squeeze-you-but-that-would-make-you-die-of-embarassment-since-you're-13 son, and then to his right was your gorgeous, beautiful, lovely, graceful wife, with her long curly locks hanging behind her and your little tiny mini-me baby in her arms.  You all looked so beautiful it was almost hard to watch, I almost felt like I should look away.  But I could NOT look away, especially as that sweet little girl of yours continued to pat her new now-official big brother on his back.  His broad shoulders in his handsome sport coat, the backdrop for her tiny hand repeatedly patting and rubbing him.  She couldn't possibly have understood what was happening, but somehow I think she did.  When he reached over with his hand and took her little hand in his, I admit that I did let out a little gasp (but immediately sensed from the 14 year old next to me that it needed to stop :-).

The judge entered, in his flowing black robe, and sat behind his big tall desk.  He spoke, but not in the voice I had expected, and definitely what he said was NOT what I had expected.  He welcomed us all warmly, he was so joyful that we were all there.  He spoke almost as a grandfather or uncle, someone who knew you and loved you and was so grateful that you were there.  I thought about this while he was speaking, and thought about the fact that he, more than most people in the room, knew EXACTLY what you were rescuing your son from, what could have happened to him had you not stepped in and brought him close, given him a family.  He invited folks to come up and share.  He gave you PRESENTS.  He spoke kindly, almost intimately, to each and every one of you, and particularly to this young boy.  He encouraged him, charged him, comforted him, challenged him.

When you and your wife and your boy spoke, I almost had to leave the room.  I felt like I couldn't even breathe, like my brain and heart just couldn't take it in, because what was happening was so amazing I just didn't know how to keep from sobbing very loudly and uncontrollably, which would probably cause my daughter to never speak to me again.  Your words of love and encouragement to him were breathtaking.  But his words were so beautiful I think they literally broke my heart.  To think what his life has been, to think of the heartache he has endured, and then to see him stand up there, so handsome and brave in his suit, taking his deep breaths and speaking slowly about what you mean to him and what your family has done for him - how is that even possible that anyone could do that? For him to talk about being new to being a Christian, about his belief in God, his love for you, and then to end that by diving into your arms in the best hug I have ever seen - just, thank you again for letting me have that in my heart to think on whenever I need a physical picture of love.  Ummmmm - even Clint cried - but don't tell him I told you.

I am sure that there were (and maybe still are?) people who think you are crazy for bringing him into your family, considering the full plate God had already given you.  But I have to tell you that from the first time you told me about him (I can still remember EXACTLY where I was standing when you told me the whole story, the few days before he came), I just knew that it was right. Amara, you said today that you knew God would bring to you the family that He had for you, and it could NOT POSSIBLY BE MORE OBVIOUS that this is your family. Who knows if He is done, but for right now, He has given you these three, and there is no doubt.  Like the judge said, life in a family has its UPS and its DOWNS and I know you (like all of us!) will have plenty of each.  But for right now, for tonight, it is really hard to imagine any downs.  It feels like you have lifted us all up with you, and we might never come back down.

Thank you so much. As I sit here and literally sob (thankfully no one is home ;-), thank you.  Thank you for being brave enough to do what very, VERY few people in the world would EVER have done.  Thank you for grabbing this boy, for pulling him so close to you, for wrapping your arms around him, for lavishing your love all over him, for being willing to be his parents now and his friends later, for dreaming of what he will be, for trusting God in all the details that could so easily (and understandably) have led you to say no when you were asked.  I know it's cheesy (but let's face it, so am I), but I love that line "You make me want to be a better man." I would say that applies perfectly here - you make me want to be a better parent, a braver Christian, a more sacrificial lover of people.  You are not showy, you are not flashy, you do not flaunt what you have done (I had to BEG you to let me use your names and include your picture!).  You have quietly and at great sacrifice to yourself literally SHOWERED love on the least of these.  You have shown me, in flesh and blood, what it is that my Savior did for me - rescued me, redeemed me, ransomed me. He took me from the worst place possible and brought me into a place of love, of acceptance, of life forever after.  He gave his life for me, and in many ways you have given, and will continue to give, your life to this boy. Your brave son expressed today in his speech his gratefulness for the knowledge that he will spend forever and ever with God - you put skin and bones on that idea for me today.  Thank you so so so very much for inviting me into your life, and letting us peek with you behind the curtains of heaven this morning.  I love you five oh so very much. And seriously, look at this picture. Who wouldn't love you?????