God is GOOD - no matter what happens

I said after my last post that I would send out something each week summarizing our life over the previous week, and I actually started it last week, but haven't had a chance to sit down since then. I do hope to finish that post (and I guess at this point it will include two weeks :-), but at this point I would like to talk about something else that is brewing inside.

Years ago, when Clint and I decided we were ready to have kids, we just assumed that it would happen fairly quickly. It didn't, and the time that ensued between wanting to have kids and actually having Olivia seemed endless. And painful. And all around just not fun.  When I first saw that positive pregnancy test, I was breathless with excitement and joy.  I will absolutely NEVER forget telling Clint the news (in the parking lot of the Clifton House, for those of you who remember that place :-).  I was overcome with happiness and wanted to immediately tell absolutely everyone in the entire world that we were having a baby (and if there had been Facebook at the time I might have done so before I got control of myself :-).  However, as the afternoon went on, I started to think more and more about whether or not we really wanted to tell anyone.  I knew EXACTLY what our chances were of losing her, and the thought of that was so frightening to me.  At the time, I didn't think I could handle that loss being public, and so we decided to wait for a while to tell anyone but our closest friends and family (and even those we waited for quite some time to tell).

We had an experience a few days ago (I won't go into the details), where I was struck heavily with the reality that Sergey is not my son, and that he may never be my son.  There are still many things in the way, the largest being that he has to agree to the adoption (he has said yes to us every time we ask him here, but many times kids change their minds later, once they are in court and it is final).  Again, I won't go into all of the details about how real of a possibility it is for anyone adopting an older teen from Ukraine that the child will say no.  I'll just say it is a sadly large proportion.  As I lived the days following that realization, I thought about the fact that, unlike when I was pregnant with Olivia, we have already made our choice to let folks know about this adoption.  Possibly every person in the universe who has ever been on Facebook knows about our shoe drive and our Amazon link ;-).  If it falls through, it will be very public and everyone will know.

And what I realized then was very encouraging to me, and what I wanted to share with you.  I was grateful for that truth.  This whole process has felt SO very much larger than just Clint and I, or just the Dowda family, or even just our extended family and closest friends. We have been swept up into a tidal wave of love, support, encouragement, generosity, and kindness unlike any I could have imagined.  And whether we end up coming gently on shore and bringing home this sweet, sweet boy to be the 6th Dowda, or if the wave crashes hard and we end up coming home without him, I want to be in this with all of you.

This is easy to say right now, as he is lying on the couch drawing pictures. We have the fire on, the rest of the kids are in bed, and every time he finishes a picture he brings it over to show me with a huge grin on his face.  Just now he crumpled one up and gave me the cutest sheepish grin. Last night, he put up a poster on his door, that we gave him for Christmas.  He has started using a little more English, and when he writes the date at the bottom of his drawings, he is writing it in English.  These are small steps, but let me just tell you that they are also HUGE.  To me, they feel like small ways that he is trying to become part of our family, our family who so DESPERATELY wants him to come be a part of us.

However, it really is the truth that he might say no when we go to get him, so even in the midst of comforting beautiful moments like right now, I am telling myself over and over again that God is good NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.  Our worship leader reminded us of this at church this morning - if we only think He is good when good things happen, then God is just all over the place like us.  The truth, which I am going to continually remind myself, is that God is good ALL THE TIME.  It doesn't mean hard things don't happen (they DO).  It doesn't mean we can't be sad, or mad, or have deep deep feelings - we can and we should.  But it does mean that NOTHING happens outside out of God's will, and NOTHING happens that is not for our good.  He is our Shepherd, and we are his sheep.  Maybe I am writing this so I can go back and read it no matter what happens when we travel to Ukraine.  Who knows. Right now I just know that I am grateful that my circumstances do not control the goodness of God, or his love for me.  Or for you. Or for Sergey :-).

Corolla Beach 12/27/13