You Were Made for This

This past week we had the blessing of spending the last week of summer at my parents' lake house at Smith Mountain Lake. We allowed the kids to each bring one friend, so we had a full house and tons of fun.  On one of the nights we were there, a rain storm passed through just as the sun was setting. The air got cooler, but we didn't have any lightning or thunder, just rain.  A few of the kids really wanted to go knee boarding, and we had just come in from the boat, so I offered to take them on the wave runner.  As I was driving the wave runner in the chilly rain with the darkness beginning to close in, something hit me that I have been thinking about ever since.  It was this simple - "I love this, and would rather be doing this than anything else, right now."  I can think of many, many people who would not have been happy doing what I was doing - too cold, too wet, already been on the lake all day, super hungry, just-want-to-sit-on-the-dock-and-read-my-book.  For me, though, I am the person who wants to be out on the lake.  Even in the rain. And the cold.  I just want to.  Especially if it involves driving the wave runner. At high speeds :-).

Here is why this struck me:  There are so many other things that I see moms doing and wish so desperately that I were that mom.  I wish my kids had scrapbooks, or even a baby book (or cute pictures from every first day of school holding those cute signs!!!).  I wish I wrote notes and put them in their lunches. I wish that every night I tucked them in and sang to them in a beautiful voice.  I wish I read the Bible with them more, prayed with them more.  I wish I told them more often that I love them.  I wish our house was always clean, or I always cooked dinner, or I didn't have days where I just cannot deal with them and just want them to leave me alone so I can be sad.  I wish I were kinder.  More patient.  More encouraging. A better listener.  I wish they always felt safe and always knew they could tell me anything.  I wish I were less critical. Less judgmental.  Less quick to tell them what to do and then less quick to be mad at them when they don't follow my advice.  More of so many things and less of so many other things.

Now please hear me that I am NOT saying that I shouldn't try harder to be a better mom and love my kids better in so many ways. It is not okay for me to just say "Oh well, I'm a critical person and my kids are just going to have to get over it." I need to pray for God to change me, and to make conscious decisions to hold my tongue when I'd rather not.  I TOTALLY realize that, and I am not AT ALL excusing my sin by saying, "Oh that's just my personality."  What I AM SAYING is that I would like to celebrate that God made me as someone who wants to drive the wave runner in the cold rain.  I don't have to tell myself, "The kids really want to do this and so I need to do it, whether or not I want to." (There are plenty of those times in my life as well!!)  Instead, I honestly want to do it.  It made me so thankful to God, that He created me in this exact way, to be the exact parent He wants me to be.  And instead of looking at all the folks out there doing all the crafty, creative, beautiful things that they are doing and wishing that was me, I was just so happy that I could be driving that wave runner. And loving it.

I have been rejoicing even more in this as the days have passed, thinking about how adopting Sergey fits into this.  My game-playing, adrenaline-seeking tendencies work out so well.  Most games can be played without a common language, and they bring a unique kind of bonding (and BOY HOWDY I have played a lot of games with that boy).  And the fact that I have never made a single scrap book for my kids or even a baby book just means that he won't be the only one in the family who doesn't have one ;-).  Young Life re-branded themselves a few years back with the slogan "You were made for this," and that is the phrase that came to mind as I zoomed around that cove at Smith Mountain Lake with the raindrops pelting my face, covered in goosebumps.  I was made for this, for being the mom that Liv, Harry and Sam need, and one day soon, for being the mom that Sergey needs.  And being the wife that Clint needs, since my drive for adrenaline allows him to sit on the dock and read ;-).

PS - I just reread this and before I post it, I would like to add one post-script.  I feel like I read things often that women have written about their lives - as friends, or moms, or wives, or whatever - and end up feeling worse about myself after reading them.  Please hear me that I truly, TRULY TRULY want this to be the opposite for you, if you feel that.  Hear this instead: those of you who know me well know how DEEPLY I struggle with feelings of insufficiency, with an inability to see anything good in myself, with a desperate desire to be anyone but me (and now all of you know :-).  So this blog is NOT about me bragging or telling everyone how great I am just because I like to drive wave runners. It is a thank you note to God, an answer to prayer, a praise that I want to share with everyone, because here, in this one little thing, I saw the love and kindness of God towards me, and actually believed it in my heart.  So if you are discouraged, I challenge you to think of one thing, even a tiny small thing like the fact that you love watching movies, or enjoy reading historical fiction, or adore eating chocolate, or are fantastic at organizing, or think that cooking is beautiful, or are awesome at knitting - and ask God to show you how He is using that in your life.  Because it IS true:  You were made for this.