When we decided to host, we were not planning to adopt, so we didn't really look into Ukraine's requirements. We just agreed to have this young man in our home for one month. After we sent him back and knew that we wanted him here forever, we started looking more into what the adoption process would really look like. And at that point, the dread started to really grow. I kept looking for best case scenarios, folks who went for two fairly quick trips and were home pretty easily. As the months have gone on, those have gotten almost non-existent. Families have been there for longer and longer times. It is now looking like we will more than likely be taking three trips, and one of them has the potential of being quite long. One woman who is in Ukraine right now (her other children and her husband left a while ago and she is waiting in Ukraine with her adopted daughter for the process to be completed) posted this on her Facebook this morning: "Was hoping to get home next week, but as per usual, bureaucracy is slowing things down. I'm pretty much without hope at this point. I feel like I will just be living here forever. Tired of getting hopes built up for nothing." When I read this, I felt like I was going to throw up.
I won't go into all the details of why the leaving is so hard for me, and I don't want to sound like Mr. Whiner. There is an actual reason why I am sharing all this - well, maybe a few reasons. The first is that I would LOOOVE your prayers around this issue. Even now, as what feels like a literal physical something inside of me continues to grow, that God would bring me peace and freedom from anxiety and dread. I KNOW it will be okay, I know that my kids here will be fine, I know that it is all worth it, but it is just really hard for me, so I would really appreciate your prayers, even now. The fact that I am now having a hard time seeing the screen because of the constant flow of tears is a good indicator of how deep and strong this is inside of me :-).
The other main reason I want to share this is to encourage all of us by what God has been teaching me in the midst of all this. I was with a dear friend the other day, praying with her as she is facing some brutally tough issues in her own life. I had been sharing with her about our decisions as to how many trips to take, who should travel, etc., and so she prayed for me. The phrase she used that has truly NOT left my mind since then (and this was over two weeks ago) was praying that God would be with us, as we "leave the three to go get the one."
Some of you know that Clint and I lead a group called Young Life Capernaum, which is for young folks with disabilities. We started about 6 years ago, and it is the greatest thing that you could even possibly imagine. A few years ago we started a Sunday School class at our church for some of these friends, and it is the highlight of my Sunday morning (obviously second to the preaching of my husband ;-). The Sunday previous to praying with my friend, we had been learning about the story that Jesus tells about the shepherd who left his 99 sheep to go find the 1 lost sheep. We always act out the Bible stories at Campaigner's, and so we had one of our friends play the part of the lost sheep. We meet at Chickahominy Middle School, in the very back corner. As my friend started off on her hands and knees as a sheep leaving the flock, we turned our attention to the shepherd and continued to read the story. We had all assumed the sheep would just go away a little bit and wait for the shepherd, but that was not the case :-) (and those of you who know our friends know who this is :-). She had gone completely around the entire hallway and was far away by the time the shepherd went after her. For some reason our friend who was playing the shepherd thought he needed to shuffle his feet instead of walk, so he sets off, in Clint's long black robe, shuffling along the halls at CMS. We all looked at each other, and I wondered if he would actually get her. Would we need to intervene and go bring her back? Would we have to go find both of them and bring them back?
Eventually the shepherd shuffled all the way to find the sheep and brought her gently back to the fold. As they slowly shuffled/crawled down the long last hallway to us, I was so struck by my own desire to tell them to hurry up. Here the rest of us are, sitting here just waiting as you shuffle down the hall way. We have to finish the lesson, have time to pray, and be out to meet the parents in just a few minutes. I could tell Clint was having the same reaction, and even a few of the other participants as well. I didn't really think much of it at the time, and it wasn't until my friend made that comment in her prayer that day that I started REALLY thinking about what it means that Jesus goes after his lost sheep, that He came after me and continues to come after me when I wander like my friend crawling away down that long hallway. And then I went one step deeper, thinking about what He left to be able to come get me. He was in a PERFECT relationship, PERFECT fellowship with his Father, and had been in that FOREVER. But to save us, to save ME, He left his Father. When He hung on the cross with my sin on him, He was separated from his Father for the first time in all of eternity. Sometimes when I think about that, I downplay it in my mind, thinking "Yes, but he was Jesus, so he knew that he would eventually be reunited with his father. He was parted for a time, but knew that it was only for a time, so maybe it wasn't really that bad." And here is where the tears really started to flow, when it struck me that I am only leaving my three kids here for a short time. I know I will be reunited with them. And yet it is still so hard for me that I honestly feel like I just can't do it. It was infinitely harder than that for Jesus, yet He was faithful, and for the love of US and for the love of ME he did it. And because of the love I have for Sergey, I will do it. I will leave my three here, and I will go after the one.
I am praying that as I sit in the airport getting ready to leave each time, I will understand maybe just one more tiny glimmer of what it was like for Jesus as he prepared to face the cross. OBVIOUSLY it is a million, billion times different, but as I strive each day to really believe more and more that Jesus loves me, I think understanding even a bit more how hard it was for him to do what He did, and the fact that he did it because of his love for us, will be a wonderful thing. And I think I will also picture my shuffling shepherd friend and his little lost sheep. They were not in a hurry. The sheep knew she was heading home, that she had been found by her shepherd. The shepherd knew he was bringing her back to the fold. I don't need to be in a hurry to get everything done in Ukraine and get back here. Eventually, we will make it back, and the one will be back with the rest of us. And in the midst of my fear, doubt, anxiety, and more fear, The Shepherd will be there for me, leading me . Please pray that I will know that deep, deep in my soul. I pray that for the sweet mama and her girl who are there now, eager to return to their fold. And I pray that for all the folks out there, eager to bring their sweet ones home, and that all the lost little ones out there would be brought home soon.
So fun that my Bible Study homework for last night was to look up these verses about the shepherd who loves us. Read these and be encouraged :-).
Matthew 9:36 - "When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them because they were confused and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd."
Psalm 23:1-3 - "The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name."
Isaiah 53:6 - "All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God's paths to follow our own. Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all."
1 Peter 2:24-25 - "He personally carried our sins in his body on the cross so that we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. By his wounds you are healed. Once you were like sheep who wandered away. But now you have turned to our Shepherd, the Guardian of your souls."
Ezekial 34:11-16 - "For this is what the Sovereign Lord says: I myself will search and find my sheep. I will be like a shepherd looking for his scattered flock. I will find my sheep and rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on that dark and cloudy day. I will bring them back home to their own land of Israel from among the peoples and nations. I will feed them on the mountain of Israel and by the rivers and in all the places where people live. Yes, I will give them good pastureland on the high hills of Israel. There they will lie down in pleasant places and feed in the lush pastures of the hills. I myself will tend my sheep and give them a place to lie down in peace, says the Sovereign Lord. I will search for my lost ones who stray away, and I will bring them safely home again. I will bandage the injured and strengthen the weak."
John 10:11-15 - "I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd sacrifices his life for the sheep. A hired hand will run when he sees a wolf coming. He will abandon the sheep because they don't belong to him and he isn't their shepherd. And so the wolf attacks them and scatters the flock. The hired hand runs away because he's working only for the money and doesn't really care about the sheep. I am the good shepherd; I know my own sheep, and they know me, just as my Father knows me and I know the Father. So I sacrifice my life for the sheep."
