Leaving the Three for the One

I have been doing everything I can to put off writing this blog post, but I have a completely free morning now that our tennis classes are over, and so I think I need to just do it.  The reason I don't want to do it is because I know I will end up an emotional wreck, and I'd rather not go there. At least by starting at 10:00 am I have time to pull myself together before the kids come home :-).  So here is the deal: I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE MY KIDS to go to Ukraine to get Sergey.  It's like this deep, deep dread that has been steadily growing, ever since we first started seriously talking about adoption. At one point we were pretty close to adopting a 10 year old girl from Ethiopia, and right when we were getting ready to make the jump and start the process, Ethiopia changed their policy to require two trips in order to adopt instead of just one.  We were certain that, at that time, we could not make that work (for lots of reasons), so we pulled out.  I remember knowing with such certainty at the time that we could not possibly make two trips, even if they would be fairly short.  After that, we made sure to only look at countries where you were only required to make one trip.  Soon after that is when we decided to take a break from actively pursuing adoption, because it was really taking a big emotional toll and I just couldn't do it anymore.

When we decided to host, we were not planning to adopt, so we didn't really look into Ukraine's requirements.  We just agreed to have this young man in our home for one month.  After we sent him back and knew that we wanted him here forever, we started looking more into what the adoption process would really look like.  And at that point, the dread started to really grow.  I kept looking for best case scenarios, folks who went for two fairly quick trips and were home pretty easily.  As the months have gone on, those have gotten almost non-existent.  Families have been there for longer and longer times.  It is now looking like we will more than likely be taking three trips, and one of them has the potential of being quite long.  One woman who is in Ukraine right now (her other children and her husband left a while ago and she is waiting in Ukraine with her adopted daughter for the process to be completed) posted this on her Facebook this morning: "Was hoping to get home next week, but as per usual, bureaucracy is slowing things down. I'm pretty much without hope at this point. I feel like I will just be living here forever. Tired of getting hopes built up for nothing." When I read this, I felt like I was going to throw up.  

I won't go into all the details of why the leaving is so hard for me, and I don't want to sound like Mr. Whiner.  There is an actual reason why I am sharing all this - well, maybe a few reasons.  The first is that I would LOOOVE your prayers around this issue.  Even now, as what feels like a literal physical something inside of me continues to grow, that God would bring me peace and freedom from anxiety and dread.  I KNOW it will be okay, I know that my kids here will be fine, I know that it is all worth it, but it is just really hard for me, so I would really appreciate your prayers, even now. The fact that I am now having a hard time seeing the screen because of the constant flow of tears is a good indicator of how deep and strong this is inside of me :-). 

The other main reason I want to share this is to encourage all of us by what God has been teaching me in the midst of all this.  I was with a dear friend the other day, praying with her as she is facing some brutally tough issues in her own life.  I had been sharing with her about our decisions as to how many trips to take, who should travel, etc., and so she prayed for me.  The phrase she used that has truly NOT left my mind since then (and this was over two weeks ago) was praying that God would be with us, as we "leave the three to go get the one."

Some of you know that Clint and I lead a group called Young Life Capernaum, which is for young folks with disabilities.  We started about 6 years ago, and it is the greatest thing that you could even possibly imagine.  A few years ago we started a Sunday School class at our church for some of these friends, and it is the highlight of my Sunday morning (obviously second to the preaching of my husband ;-).  The Sunday previous to praying with my friend, we had been learning about the story that Jesus tells about the shepherd who left his 99 sheep to go find the 1 lost sheep.  We always act out the Bible stories at Campaigner's, and so we had one of our friends play the part of the lost sheep. We meet at Chickahominy Middle School, in the very back corner.  As my friend started off on her hands and knees as a sheep leaving the flock, we turned our attention to the shepherd and continued to read the story. We had all assumed the sheep would just go away a little bit and wait for the shepherd, but that was not the case :-) (and those of you who know our friends know who this is :-).  She had gone completely around the entire hallway and was far away by the time the shepherd went after her. For some reason our friend who was playing the shepherd thought he needed to shuffle his feet instead of walk, so he sets off, in Clint's long black robe, shuffling along the halls at CMS.  We all looked at each other, and I wondered if he would actually get her. Would we need to intervene and go bring her back? Would we have to go find both of them and bring them back? 

Eventually the shepherd shuffled all the way to find the sheep and brought her gently back to the fold.  As they slowly shuffled/crawled down the long last hallway to us, I was so struck by my own desire to tell them to hurry up. Here the rest of us are, sitting here just waiting as you shuffle down the hall way. We have to finish the lesson, have time to pray, and be out to meet the parents in just a few minutes. I could tell Clint was having the same reaction, and even a few of the other participants as well.  I didn't really think much of it at the time, and it wasn't until my friend made that comment in her prayer that day that I started REALLY thinking about what it means that Jesus goes after his lost sheep, that He came after me and continues to come after me when I wander like my friend crawling away down that long hallway.  And then I went one step deeper, thinking about what He left to be able to come get me. He was in a PERFECT relationship, PERFECT fellowship with his Father, and had been in that FOREVER.  But to save us, to save ME, He left his Father. When He hung on the cross with my sin on him, He was separated from his Father for the first time in all of eternity.  Sometimes when I think about that, I downplay it in my mind, thinking "Yes, but he was Jesus, so he knew that he would eventually be reunited with his father.  He was parted for a time, but knew that it was only for a time, so maybe it wasn't really that bad."  And here is where the tears really started to flow, when it struck me that I am only leaving my three kids here for a short time. I know I will be reunited with them.  And yet it is still so hard for me that I honestly feel like I just can't do it.  It was infinitely harder than that for Jesus, yet He was faithful, and for the love of US and for the love of ME he did it.  And because of the love I have for Sergey, I will do it. I will leave my three here, and I will go after the one. 

I am praying that as I sit in the airport getting ready to leave each time, I will understand maybe just one more tiny glimmer of what it was like for Jesus as he prepared to face the cross. OBVIOUSLY it is a million, billion times different, but as I strive each day to really believe more and more that Jesus loves me, I think understanding even a bit more how hard it was for him to do what He did, and the fact that he did it because of his love for us, will be a wonderful thing.  And I think I will also picture my shuffling shepherd friend and his little lost sheep.  They were not in a hurry.  The sheep knew she was heading home, that she had been found by her shepherd. The shepherd knew he was bringing her back to the fold.  I don't need to be in a hurry to get everything done in Ukraine and get back here.  Eventually, we will make it back, and the one will be back with the rest of us.  And in the midst of my fear, doubt, anxiety, and more fear, The Shepherd will be there for me, leading me .  Please pray that I will know that deep, deep in my soul. I pray that for the sweet mama and her girl who are there now, eager to return to their fold. And I pray that for all the folks out there, eager to bring their sweet ones home, and that all the lost little ones out there would be brought home soon.

So fun that my Bible Study homework for last night was to look up these verses about the shepherd who loves us.  Read these and be encouraged :-).


Matthew 9:36 - "When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them because they were confused and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd."

Psalm 23:1-3 - "The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name."

Isaiah 53:6 - "All of us, like sheep, have strayed away.  We have left God's paths to follow our own. Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all."

1 Peter 2:24-25 - "He personally carried our sins in his body on the cross so that we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. By his wounds you are healed.  Once you were like sheep who wandered away. But now you have turned to our Shepherd, the Guardian of your souls."

Ezekial 34:11-16 - "For this is what the Sovereign Lord says: I myself will search and find my sheep. I will be like a shepherd looking for his scattered flock.  I will find my sheep and rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on that dark and cloudy day.  I will bring them back home to their own land of Israel from among the peoples and nations. I will feed them on the mountain of Israel and by the rivers and in all the places where people live.  Yes, I will give them good pastureland on the high hills of Israel.  There they will lie down in pleasant places and feed in the lush pastures of the hills.  I myself will tend my sheep and give them a place to lie down in peace, says the Sovereign Lord. I will search for my lost ones who stray away, and I will bring them safely home again.  I will bandage the injured and strengthen the weak."

John 10:11-15 - "I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd sacrifices his life for the sheep.  A hired hand will run when he sees a wolf coming.  He will abandon the sheep because they don't belong to him and he isn't their shepherd.  And so the wolf attacks them and scatters the flock. The hired hand runs away because he's working only for the money and doesn't really care about the sheep.  I am the good shepherd; I know my own sheep, and they know me, just as my Father knows me and I know the Father. So I sacrifice my life for the sheep."

How You Can Help :-)

We have had a request to make a page that makes it very clear how you can help us afford our $42,000 adoption of 15 year old Sergey, pictured below (he's the one in the gray shirt, and this picture is from when we hosted him for a month this summer).  Here are the two biggest things you can do right now, and if you ever want to just donate directly, you can just click on that button to the left that says "donate" and it will take you to a paypal page where you can donate :-).

1.  SHOES SHOES SHOES!!!! We are working with an organization that will actually pay us for USED shoes!!! The shoes will go to several different poor countries to help the folks there, and we will receive $10 for every 25 pounds of shoes we gather.  ANY KIND OF SHOES, ANY CONDITION.  You can bring them to our home at 10052 Rinker Drive, Mechanicsville, VA 23116 and stick them in the old blue Suburban that is always parked at the top of the driveway :-). We have already made almost $3000 from this drive - THANK YOU SO MUCH to those who have already donated!!!

2.  SHOP SHOP SHOP!!!!! If you buy ANYTHING on Amazon, and you click on our link before you shop, we will receive 7% of your purchase price, at no extra cost to you, and it is completely anonymous.  MAKE SURE TO CLICK BEFORE YOU SHOP - if there is anything already in your cart before you click on our link, it will not work. Nothing will look any different when you shop, but IT WORKS!! We have already raised over $6000 through this simple link - THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!  THE LINK IS: www.playtennishanover.com/amazon.  If you click on the picture of the 6 of us at the top left corner of this page, it will take you directly there as well :-).

We would be SOOO grateful if you would be willing to share this with your friends/neighbors/co-workers/family.  The wider we can spread the word, the more quickly we can get to our goal.  If you want to learn more about Sergey and our journey to bring him home, please click on "Our Story with Sergey" over on the right side of the page, under "Blog Archive". If you'd like to receive an email when we post a new update, just put your email address over in that box on the right :-).

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS and for HELPING US!! WE ARE SO GRATEFUL!!!

Is the kid worth it? (and another shoe update :-)

A few days ago I had an interesting interaction that I have been pondering ever since.  As some of you know, completing a dossier involves almost the amount of meetings/notarizing/appointments/paperwork/driving/WAITING/signing your name as I would imagine it would take to form a small new country.  Thankfully, my dear husband is MUCH more gifted at these type of things (please read "I am too lazy and think it's too boring, and thankfully he is kind and willing to do it"), but I have participated in a few steps along the way as well. One of these involved getting something re-notarized because when it was done the first time, the notary didn't quite form her "3" correctly and wrote over it a little bit. When we sent it in to our agency, they said we needed to have it done again.  It does seem a little crazy (everything has to be done JUST SO), but I guess we have just gotten used to it by this point.  When I went in and told her what had to be done, she looked at me like I was crazy.  And then when she signed her name with her middle initial instead of her middle name (her notary has her full middle name, not initial), and I asked her to do it again, she really started to get quite annoyed. Again, I can totally understand, and I just apologized and waited for her to do it again.  As she finished signing, she looked up at me and said (with a disdain only those in their 20's can really perfect), "Is the kid worth it?"

I smiled and thought of his sweet face, and said, "yes, he is."  I knew she didn't really want a real answer, but a big part of me wanted to tell her all of the AMAZING. WONDERFUL. INCREDIBLE. things about our sweet boy.  How he can light up a room with his shy smile.  How he can run so fast you would not even believe it.  How he can house a plate of food like you have never seen.  How he concentrates so hard to beat me in any game we are playing.  How sweet his voice sounds when he says "good night."  How he always insists on sharing with all of us anything he is given.  How much fun he had boogie boarding with Clint in the ocean this summer. How he rolls his eyes when I make him and my other boys put on collared shirts for our annual Christmas pictures at the beach, but then does it anyway.  How he falls soundly asleep almost instantly and sleeps so peacefully. How he ADORES our dog Tober.  How he is insanely fearless and crazy brave.  How he caught a catfish with his BARE HANDS.  How he loves to cook. Loves to play soccer. Loves to play games.  Loves to be with us.

OBVIOUSLY this young woman did not care about all of these things, so I just thought about them to myself as I drove to my next destination.  But what stuck with me as I really thought about it as the day went on was the question itself, "Is he worth it?" What she meant was, is he really worth all of this you are going through?  She only saw a teeny, tiny bit of the picture - one form that had to be re-notarized.  But there is a larger picture here as well.  Is he worth having your home overrun by old shoes? Is he worth posting so much on Facebook, asking people for things, that by the end of this adoption you might be unfriended by everyone you know?  Is he worth feeling pushy and uncomfortable as you tell folks at lacrosse/basketball/school/the store about the shoe drive and the Amazon link, and knowing that some of them just want you to go away?

Then a little deeper - Is he worth the heartache that we are all enduring as we say goodbye time and time again, and wait and wait until we see him again? Is he worth all of those many tears, by every member of our family?  Is he worth the time and energy that is being taken away from raising that family, by fundraising and completing our dossier now, and loving and raising him once he is here?  Is he worth the money that we will spend on him once he is here, feeding him, clothing him, getting English tutors, sending him to soccer camp, paying for all kinds of things that might be necessary to help him heal from what his life has been up until now?

And then, even deeper, where it really hits home - Is he worth leaving my kids here for a long time to go get him, when it is super hard for me to just leave them for the weekend and go to Myrtle Beach?  Is he worth the risk of what could happen to them, to us, once he is here?  Is he worth the unknown of all the things that we have been warned about could happen once he is home for good?  Is he worth upsetting the peaceful, happy, very-comfortable-and-super-amazing life that the Dowdas are living right now?

And the honest answer is, I don't know.  I do not know what our future holds. I don't know whether or not he will say yes or no when the judge asks him if he wants to be adopted by us. I don't know if we will come home without him.  If he says yes (which we think he will, don't worry - he's already told us yes several times :-), I have no idea what will happen when he comes here to live for good.  From all the books I have read, I do not think it will be the everything-works-out-perfectly and everyone-is-super-happy ending that I know that I have planted deep in my heart and in my head.  No one really knows what it will be like.

But here is what I do know. I KNOW that God has chosen US to love this boy. I have no doubt of that. NONE.  NONE AT ALL. (well, most of the time I don't ;-).  And how, you ask, do I know?  I know because when I saw his bio from New Horizons, he said he wanted to learn to play tennis. I know because he looks like he could be Liv's twin brother.  I know because he loves to play games. And he loves to win.   I know because I can tell how he feels about our other three kids, and how he feels about us.  I know because he doesn't like to talk much, and between me and Sam there isn't much more room in our house for more talking.  I know because when I am with him, I just know.

And then there is - the shoes.  When I start to doubt at any point, I just think about the shoes.  We receive this email out of nowhere, about how we can get money for our adoption through used shoes. I start posting about it, and send out an email.  Almost immediately, we start getting shoes.  We get a storage unit donated, that is a mile from our house.  People we have never met are collecting shoes at places we have never heard of.  Everywhere I go, everyone I talk to, tells me some amazing story about a connection they made, or someone they heard of who is collecting shoes.  We have friends in other cities collecting them, friends in other cities sending them to us.  Friday night the boys and their friends sorted about 40 bags (thank you friends :-). Then by Monday the Suburban was filling up so I sorted about 15 more.  By Tuesday the Suburban was filling up, and by Wednesday there was literally not one more inch open in it.  Today I have received 7 different messages from folks who are bringing them by today - and some of them are bringing a LOT.  I feel like at this point I would not be surprised if I opened my door and they just started falling from the sky.  It feels THAT INCREDIBLE to me. THAT MIRACULOUS.

It just feels like God saying "Have no doubt. He is worth it. I picked you for him."  Every pair of shoes feels like confirmation. Every time I open the Amazon account and see how it continues to grow. Every time someone orders a 31 bag.  Every $15 that was donated last week.  Every time someone shares our link on Facebook. Every. Time.  It feels like God saying, "Yes. He is worth it."

SO, please oh please oh PRETTY PLEASE know how much each one of you is a part of what we are doing.  PLEASE know how desperately grateful we are to you.  Not only are you financially helping us bring him here, but you are the arms of God, hugging us and reassuring us, "He is worth it."  And ultimately, it all comes back to Him (with a capital H), right?  Because WE WERE WORTH IT.  He came to this earth.  "He left his Father's throne above, so free, so infinite his grace. Emptied himself of all but love, and died for Adam's helpless race." We were helpless. We were orphans.  We were alone.  And He came and rescued us, brought us home, brought us to Himself. There was nothing in us that made us worth it, but because of who He is, He believed that we were, and He came.  Thank you, God for coming for us, and thank you that you are allowing us to come for Sergey. Please provide families to come for each and every child who doesn't have a home.  Please allow more families to have this amazing blessing that we are experiencing.  You are so good.

What these shoes are REALLY going to do

(PLEASE read to the end - the best story is last :-).  As many of you know, we are now completely ensconced in used shoes.  They are on our porches, in our cars, on our driveway - everywhere we turn there are smelly, old, dirty, getting-rid of shoes.  But EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. feels like love to me.  I knew when I read about this fundraiser that it was going to be awesome (hopefully not in the way that I KNEW that the ladies night out roller skating with our church was going to be awesome - I am still shocked that hardly anyone wanted to go, and it permanently bruised my confidence in knowing what people want, but anyway...).  Thankfully, I WAS right, and it has far exceeded even my very optimistic expectations.  We have gotten LOTS of shoes.  And hope to keep getting more as long as we have this storage space!!

Obviously I know that there are shoes out there that people don't want anymore - everyone has at least a few pairs in their closet.  It doesn't seem surprising that they would bring their unwanted shoes to us.  What I was totally unprepared for was how excited everyone would be to help us - really, really help us.  Folks we don't know that well (or even know at all!) are telling their friends about us, sharing it on Facebook, putting boxes on their porches for collecting, gathering up shoes from their gyms, their clubs, their workplaces, their schools.  People are setting up collection boxes, handing out flyers, giving out bags, spreading the news everywhere they go.  In their eagerness to help, it almost feels like they are getting something FROM us rather than giving something TO us.  It has completely blown my mind and brought me to tears more times than I would like to admit.  If you want some beautiful examples of how people have loved us, just ask me the next time you see me - I literally have new ones every day.

What I wanted to talk about for a few minutes was something that a sweet friend said to me the other day.  I was at a local church dropping off a collection box.  A woman I don't know super well (I teach her kids tennis) had contacted her church to see if they could put a box in their hallway. The church agreed, and now also has put up flyers on their bulletin board and included us in their weekly email and their newsletter. (SEE??? This is what I am talking about.)  Anyway, I dropped by to put up the box, and a group that had been meeting there was just finishing up.  (As an aside, two friends that were there who had no idea I would be there saw me and said - Oh, I have shoes for you!! - and ran out to their cars to get them. SEE????).  I stopped to chat to this sweet friend who I don't get to see very often but has been so kind and supportive all along during this process.  We were talking about the whole shoe thing, since she saw me putting up the box, and she said that as she saw all the ways that God was providing for us to bring Sergey here, she thought "Wow.  I can't even imagine what God has in mind for Sergey.  He must have great plans for him."

Now it is a bit awkward to admit this, but I don't think I've really spent much time thinking about Sergey's future.  I am so fixated on the present - the fundraising, the paperwork, etc, that I just can't even imagine what it will be like when he is here. Or if I do think of that, I think in terms of how fun it will be to take him to soccer camp next summer and introduce him as my son, and bring him home each night knowing that he will not be leaving again. What I don't really think about much is what the rest of his life is going to look like.  Obviously we do not know what God holds in store for any of us, even tomorrow, or even in the next hour, so trying to figure out what Sergey's future will look like is not productive.  However, thinking that God has such great plans for Sergey that He would do so much for us to get him here - to bring us tons and tons of shoes, to place in the hearts of folks the desire to help us in this way, to allow so many people to fall in love with this boy for reasons they don't even know - that is mind-blowing (and caused me to cry the entire way home, which, by the way, I have decided is not such a safe way to drive).

God is about setting the lonely in families, about loving orphans and widows, about caring for the least of these.  But to think that He has great things for THIS one boy, this sweet soul who is going to be part of our family in just a matter of months - that almost takes my breath away.  I am not saying that I know he will necessarily do great things in the way people normally think of great things (amazing doctor, famous lawyer, brilliant surgeon, world-changing politician), but in the exact way that God has planned for him.  To think that no one else besides our Sergey can do what God wants done - that He is bringing Sergey to us to glorify Himself, not just to save him from an orphanage or life on the streets in Ukraine, is almost more than I can handle.  It is so humbling, encouraging, amazing, breath-taking, to think that our family gets to take part in plans that originate in heaven.  To know that we will get to watch as the future unfolds for this young man - no words.  Grateful that you all will be there watching with us. :-).

OK, PS.  You know I couldn't end without telling you at least one more story. As I was typing this up my phone rang with a number I didn't know.  It was a woman who got our flyer through Harry's travel lacrosse team.  We have never met her and her son isn't even actually even on the team yet - they are in the middle of tryouts.  And her son is in high school, so he and Harry would never even play together anyway.  She went to a yard sale that her son's school was having and asked for all of the shoes that were not sold, bagged them up, and has them to bring to me. THEN she tells me that she told her Bible study about us on Wednesday and that they all wanted to participate.  She asked me to send her an electronic copy of the flyer, so she could send it out to her friends.  I just now flipped over to check my email and she has already sent something out to the 50 ladies in her Bible study group, a beautiful email full of truth from the Bible and the details of our fundraiser, with the flyer attached.  So now there are 50 more people who have heard of Sergey, might be praying for him, might meet him one day.

OK one more.  As we were unpacking the shoes tonight, several of the bags had these cute pink flyers attached (see below).  I read one, and saw what a friend of a friend had done (a woman I have still never met, we just recently became friends on Facebook through a mutual friend).  She brought over tons of bags yesterday, from this drive that they did at her school - a bunch of 4th grade girls apparently called the "Giggles Girls" got together and gathered up shoes for us.  People we don't even know.  For us. For Sergey.

OK one more.  Then I'll stop - I promise.  Our dear friend told her family in Ohio about our fund.  Her aunt drove her car ALL THE WAY FROM OHIO completely jam packed with shoes, hundreds and hundreds of them.  Her little seat where she drove was like a little pocket, and everything else was jammed.  They pulled up as we were bagging shoes tonight (I had no idea they were coming), and I got to hug her and try desperately to keep from sobbing.  She mentioned in passing that she didn't have a lot of air as she was driving - and considering that is was about 100 degrees today I just can't believe that. A woman I have never met drove so far to love a boy she's never met, with a car full of love from Ohio.  How is that possible.

Shoes for Sergey!!!!

We are CRAZY EXCITED to announce that we have found the fundraiser to beat all fundraisers. We gather up used shoes (no matter HOW OLD or beat down, no matter what kind - sandals, cleats, tennis shoes, dress shoes, whatever) and then we send them to this organization (amazing group started by the guy who started Soles4souls). We collect bags with 25 pairs of shoes each, and if we can collect 300 bags we can earn $3000 towards our adoption fund!!! They send the shoes to poorer countries and use them to bless the folks there, both by providing shoes as well as jobs, since they will restore the shoes before they distribute them. THE ULTIMATE WIN-WIN!!!! I have flyers to hand out, bags to give out, huge collection boxes that can be placed anywhere you suggest, posters, etc, and now we just need your help . We would LOVE for you to ask your friends/neighbors/co-workers for shoes and gather up as many as you can. We are also looking for anyone who might have ideas of where we could collect larger amounts, like from an office/church/organization. If you would just take a few minutes to think through any ideas you might have for us/any people you know who might have shoes they could contribute/anyone you could share this with who might be able to help/anywhere we might be able to stick up one of our flyers/pray that this will be an amazing success, we would be SOOOO grateful!!!! 

I would also just like to add a little bit to make sure that God gets the glory on this one - Clint received an email about this a few weeks ago. It was out of the blue, and we have no idea how he got on the email list that went out.  We were trying to figure out where it came from, and were so happy to be able to say that it truly came from God :-).  He is taking care of raising this money to bring us to Sergey - and He is doing it through all of you.  We are WILDLY grateful to Him and to you.  Seeing how He has provided through each and every one of you, and being showered by your love and support, has been my FAVORITE part of this journey (well, except of course, getting to adopt Sergey ;-). LOVE!!!

Liv

I read an article recently about how there is a indirect correlation between the amount of time that you spend on Facebook and the amount of happiness and satisfaction in your life - the more time on Facebook, the less happiness you experience.  One of the main points was this: everyone posts their pictures, stories, etc, at their very best.  We only see the tiny little window of perfect life posted in shiny color, and then we extrapolate to assume that everyone is living that perfect life all the time, while we plod away in our dull, every day, I have to make-lunches-clean-the-house-go-to-the-store lives.  We all know this isn't true, but apparently the more you look at it, the more unhappy you will become.

However, I thought more about this today and thought about the fact that we just need to be able to see these glimpses with the right eyes, and then we could actually increase our happiness by looking at Facebook.  Over the last months, since I have moved from Facebook reader to Facebook poster, I have often felt the urge to post when something great happens. It is not that I want to brag, or want anyone else to feel bad that they did not experience what I just did. I don't want to engender jealousy, and I definitely don't want anyone to be sad.  I just want to share the joy.  It's like when you bite into a super yummy dessert and you want everyone else at the table to take a bite and see just how amazing it is. Or you see a rainbow and you want to tell everyone to look up at the sky. Or the way that the males in my family always feel that I need to come into the living room where the TV is, stop whatever I am doing in the kitchen or elsewhere in the house, and "watch this AWESOME play."  We just want others to share in our joy, and for some of us at home with kids, or alone at work, or whatever, the easiest/only way to share that in the moment with a whole bunch of people might be to post it on Facebook.

The reason I was thinking about this was that I really wanted to post a picture of Liv on her first day of school today.  She looked absolutely beautiful in her uniform.  She is just truly a picture of loveliness, both inside and out, and I felt like my heart would burst looking at her as she headed out the door to her new school.  For those of you who know us, you know that this road has been long and hard for everyone involved, especially Liv, and to see her head out so bravely to this new part of her journey, ready to embrace what lies ahead, filled me with such pride.  Without complaint, she has given up her cute wardrobe for a uniform (but she still looks SOOOO cute!!!), read the Odyssey (and fully annotated it), spent a week this summer at Latin boot camp (yes, I said Latin boot camp), and left behind everything she has known since kindergarten to embark on this new journey.  She has been willing to pour herself immediately into new friendships, into new buildings, into new languages, into new everything, and she has done it with the same grace and beauty that she brings to everything she does.  However, like I said, it was not an easy road for her to get here. And there were sacrifices made by all involved.  We were supported so very strongly by so many dear friends, praying that God would show us the right place for our daughter to develop into the young woman that He wants her to be (and we are SOOO grateful to each of you!!).  We were given a wildly generous scholarship, so that we could send her there in the midst of a very expensive adoption.  We were prayed for and prayed for and prayed for.  We were encouraged, loved on, asked about, and loved on some more.  So this day was such a true gift, in every sense of the word. Just a gift, given to us by our dear Father in heaven.

When I was a kid and I would get a present for Christmas or my birthday that I really loved, I would immediately grab it, jump up and down, run around like crazy, yell and scream, hug my mom, hug my dad, clap my hands, and basically go nuts. (The truth is, I still do that, and if you'd like to see, feel free to give me a gift anytime - I love presents ;-).  I wanted everyone to see it - I wanted to call my friends and tell them about it.  It's the natural reaction, I think, to having something given to you that you find lovely - you just want to share it.  It's the reason we crazy Christians want to tell people about Jesus - we just want everyone to share Him.  So I think when people post super fun awesome things on Facebook, it's not because they want to brag, or make other people jealous, or show off what they have - I think it is just the modern day equivalent of running around your house, jumping up and down and showing everyone your present.  So today, I'd like to jump up and down and clap my hands and show you the amazing, incredible, indescribably wonderful daughter (who by the way now goes by Liv) that God gave us as a gift 14 years ago.  We are not bragging, because we did not make her. We are celebrating the one who gave her to us, the one who did make her, the one who continues to lavish her with love.  Please celebrate with us and share in our joy (and see how cute she looks in her uniform :-). We love you Livvy Grace.  More than you will ever know.

You Were Made for This

This past week we had the blessing of spending the last week of summer at my parents' lake house at Smith Mountain Lake. We allowed the kids to each bring one friend, so we had a full house and tons of fun.  On one of the nights we were there, a rain storm passed through just as the sun was setting. The air got cooler, but we didn't have any lightning or thunder, just rain.  A few of the kids really wanted to go knee boarding, and we had just come in from the boat, so I offered to take them on the wave runner.  As I was driving the wave runner in the chilly rain with the darkness beginning to close in, something hit me that I have been thinking about ever since.  It was this simple - "I love this, and would rather be doing this than anything else, right now."  I can think of many, many people who would not have been happy doing what I was doing - too cold, too wet, already been on the lake all day, super hungry, just-want-to-sit-on-the-dock-and-read-my-book.  For me, though, I am the person who wants to be out on the lake.  Even in the rain. And the cold.  I just want to.  Especially if it involves driving the wave runner. At high speeds :-).

Here is why this struck me:  There are so many other things that I see moms doing and wish so desperately that I were that mom.  I wish my kids had scrapbooks, or even a baby book (or cute pictures from every first day of school holding those cute signs!!!).  I wish I wrote notes and put them in their lunches. I wish that every night I tucked them in and sang to them in a beautiful voice.  I wish I read the Bible with them more, prayed with them more.  I wish I told them more often that I love them.  I wish our house was always clean, or I always cooked dinner, or I didn't have days where I just cannot deal with them and just want them to leave me alone so I can be sad.  I wish I were kinder.  More patient.  More encouraging. A better listener.  I wish they always felt safe and always knew they could tell me anything.  I wish I were less critical. Less judgmental.  Less quick to tell them what to do and then less quick to be mad at them when they don't follow my advice.  More of so many things and less of so many other things.

Now please hear me that I am NOT saying that I shouldn't try harder to be a better mom and love my kids better in so many ways. It is not okay for me to just say "Oh well, I'm a critical person and my kids are just going to have to get over it." I need to pray for God to change me, and to make conscious decisions to hold my tongue when I'd rather not.  I TOTALLY realize that, and I am not AT ALL excusing my sin by saying, "Oh that's just my personality."  What I AM SAYING is that I would like to celebrate that God made me as someone who wants to drive the wave runner in the cold rain.  I don't have to tell myself, "The kids really want to do this and so I need to do it, whether or not I want to." (There are plenty of those times in my life as well!!)  Instead, I honestly want to do it.  It made me so thankful to God, that He created me in this exact way, to be the exact parent He wants me to be.  And instead of looking at all the folks out there doing all the crafty, creative, beautiful things that they are doing and wishing that was me, I was just so happy that I could be driving that wave runner. And loving it.

I have been rejoicing even more in this as the days have passed, thinking about how adopting Sergey fits into this.  My game-playing, adrenaline-seeking tendencies work out so well.  Most games can be played without a common language, and they bring a unique kind of bonding (and BOY HOWDY I have played a lot of games with that boy).  And the fact that I have never made a single scrap book for my kids or even a baby book just means that he won't be the only one in the family who doesn't have one ;-).  Young Life re-branded themselves a few years back with the slogan "You were made for this," and that is the phrase that came to mind as I zoomed around that cove at Smith Mountain Lake with the raindrops pelting my face, covered in goosebumps.  I was made for this, for being the mom that Liv, Harry and Sam need, and one day soon, for being the mom that Sergey needs.  And being the wife that Clint needs, since my drive for adrenaline allows him to sit on the dock and read ;-).

PS - I just reread this and before I post it, I would like to add one post-script.  I feel like I read things often that women have written about their lives - as friends, or moms, or wives, or whatever - and end up feeling worse about myself after reading them.  Please hear me that I truly, TRULY TRULY want this to be the opposite for you, if you feel that.  Hear this instead: those of you who know me well know how DEEPLY I struggle with feelings of insufficiency, with an inability to see anything good in myself, with a desperate desire to be anyone but me (and now all of you know :-).  So this blog is NOT about me bragging or telling everyone how great I am just because I like to drive wave runners. It is a thank you note to God, an answer to prayer, a praise that I want to share with everyone, because here, in this one little thing, I saw the love and kindness of God towards me, and actually believed it in my heart.  So if you are discouraged, I challenge you to think of one thing, even a tiny small thing like the fact that you love watching movies, or enjoy reading historical fiction, or adore eating chocolate, or are fantastic at organizing, or think that cooking is beautiful, or are awesome at knitting - and ask God to show you how He is using that in your life.  Because it IS true:  You were made for this.