Praise God from Whom ALL Blessings Flow!!!

I seriously cannot believe it. If you had told me 2 1/2 months ago that I would be sitting on a couch in a little apartment in Odessa, Ukraine telling you about the amazing day we had I would have wanted to believe you, but I probably wouldn't have.  To think about all of the ways that God has led us, blessed us, shown Himself to us, and worked through YOU is almost too much to take in.  Based on the emails, texts, notes, calls and conversations we've had/gotten, I can't even begin to imagine how many prayers have been lifted up on account of our sweet Sergey.  We are overwhelmed with gratitude for your faithfulness and friendship, and don't even know how to begin to say thank you. The only way I can think of (besides saying "Thank you!!!" - THANK YOU!!!) is to invite you to live today with us - I wish that each of you actually could have been there with us :-).  Plus, this way I can look back and remember every single thing about today :-).

The cute cafe below our apartment - our door is above the roof, to the right in the corner - #21 :-)

We went down to breakfast at the little cafe that is part of our sweet apartment here (breakfast is included and it was super delicous!!), and then met Aloyna at 10:00.  This is our first time meeting her, and we had heard how wonderful she is, but she even exceeded our expectations.  She is just absolutely wonderful.  And speaking of expectations, she is 9 months pregnant!!!  When I asked her "when are you due?" she said "Today"!!!!! I couldn't believe it - we would be traveling all the way to Sergey's orphanage (a few hours) on an INCREDIBLY bumpy road with this adorable woman who is due today!!!  She was amazing - never complained and always said she was fine whenever we asked. I think I was more worried about her than she was about herself - and I think Clint was super nervous that we were going to be part of delivering a baby on the side of the road :-). Fortunately, that did not happen - if it had, I am sure I would be leading with that story :-).

We walked from our apartment about 10 minutes to the notary office to get a few papers notarized, and then we met a driver who drove us part of the way to Sergey's orphanage.  The ladies who worked at the notary office were so kind and super funny - apparently there are many folks who won't be a part of adoption notaries (I have several theories on why this is true), so it was great to have someone who was so supportive and kind.  After about 30 minutes of driving, we met Svetlana at a gas station (the NICEST, cleanest, most modern gas station I have EVER seen - right there on the side of the road from Odessa to Kyiv with NOTHING else in sight in any direction - so funny).  We hopped into her car (and both breathed a sigh of relief - she is a very calm and safe driver in a country where most drivers make me look like a slow and cautious driver) and she took us the rest of the way.  The road between Kyiv and Odessa looks pretty much like this the whole way, on both sides:

Like I said in my last post, you have never seen such lush land, but there is a LOT of it!!!  There are very few towns, and the ones that are there are far off of the road and very small.  The road is fairly smooth most of the way, but there are some pretty major potholes and dips as well.  When we finally got to the turn-off for Sergey's village/orphanage, I finally found out what our friends who have been there before have been talking about.  Potholes would be offended by calling these things potholes.  Imagine it more like this - all over the place, there are just pieces of the road completely missing.  You cannot even imagine it - I've never seen anything like it before. Needless to say, it took us QUITE some time to get to Sergey :-).

In the village

Almost there!!!

The sign for the school!!

When we finally arrived, we went into the school, up to the office of the school's social worker (got to peek in on some kids in the  middle of class, working hard).  The town's social worker showed up a little later - we were originally supposed to pick her up, but since she lived an HOUR past the school on that road, Svetlana asked if she could take a cab and meet us there, since Aloyna was about to have a baby :-).  Thankfully, she said yes :-).  So it was Svetlana, Aloyna, the two social workers, and us in the little office. This office was right off of the office of the director, so he soon came out and joined us as well.  We had all started chatting when the door opened and Sergey walked in.  My heart almost stopped :-).  We each gave him a big hug and then we all sat down again.  Aloyna and Sveta chatted with him for a while - it was so sweet to see how kind they were to him - teasing him and asking him questions trying to get him to talk :-).  He was obviously fairly nervous and uncomfortable being the center of attention, but he looked them in the eye and answered their questions in his sweet way.  It was all I could do to keep from jumping up and hugging the stuffing out of him.  Don't worry - I didn't.

One of the things I was most nervous about with this visit was that this was the time that he needed to say for good whether or not he wanted to be adopted by us or not.  He needed to write it all out, so his social worker took him into the director's office so that he could do so.  He did not hesitate at all, and the director told us after Sergey left the room that they had been asking him every day if he wanted to be adopted and he continued to say yes.  They reassured us that he was the one who changed his mind back, that they were encouraging him to come to live with us, but no one forced him and that it was what he really wanted.  I can't wait to get to read what he wrote one day!!!

After a bit, they told him that he should go to lunch so that he didn't miss it, and then he could come back and see us again.  He must have scarfed down his lunch because he was back within about 10 minutes.  Oh, I almost forgot - when he first came in and I hugged him and then turned around to face all the ladies, they were all smiling and chatting like crazy and then Aloyna said "We think he looks just like you" :-).  I don't know if he does or if he doesn't, but the looks on their faces and hearing them say that made me so proud :-).  Maybe it wasn't that he looks like me, but that he looks like he belongs with us :-).  Anyway, there were lots of papers, and questions, and stuff like that, and at one point the director told him to go back with his friends for a while and that we would call him when we were done talking.  Once he left, we were able to talk to the director more directly about Sergey, which is why he sent him away.  I think this is the part where my expectations and reality VASTLY diverged.

We talked out in the main office for a while, and then went into his office and talked even more.  Aloyna translated for us.  I can't remember the order of everything that was said, but I will try to remember everything I can :-).  Sveta and Aloyna told us on our way up the stairs that the director was a good man, and we found out that they were definitely right once we started talking to him.  It was so evident that he really cares about the children and knows them very well.  He started out by asking us a bunch of questions that showed that he truly cared about Sergey's welfare and future.  He wanted to know lots of things about our plans for him - for the future, about his education, job future, etc.  He had some great advice for us on how best to help Sergey, and what kind of a learner he is.  It was so touching how many things he told us, over the whole course of our time with him, about parenting him. He told us how much Sergey wants to please, what a good listener he is and how much he always does his best.  He and the social worker were laughing as they told a story about a field trip they went on when he was little, where they told Sergey "stay here", meaning just for a minute while they were getting things ready.  They were doing other things and then looked back and he was still standing there, all by himself :-).  I can just picture his blond little head just standing there where he was told :-).  It was so obvious as he talked that he had so much fondness for him.  As he kept telling us different things about helping him (don't expect him to be too independent since here he is told everything he needs to do, help him along the way until he really grasps how to do something, make sure to praise and encourage him, etc.), I thought how much he sounded like I do when I am giving someone instructions on how to take care of my own kids :-).  And that warmed my heart :-).

Another few wonderful things - there has been a caretaker at the orphanage who has been there since he first came who loves him so much and calls him "son."  He said that he has always been the kind of kid who is easy to love because he is so sweet and listens so well, but this one particular caretaker really bonded with him in a special way.  She wasn't going to be at the orphanage until after 5 pm today so we couldn't meet her, but we are hoping to do whatever it takes to meet her on our next visit.  We also asked the director if he could find out what she might like as a gift that we could bring for Sergey to give her as a good-bye present, and he promised that he would try to do it in a way such that she wouldn't know why he was asking :-).  I. CAN. NOT. WAIT. to hug that sweet woman.

Another warm and fuzzy - we found out that Sergey used to live with his grandmother before he came to the school, and that even when she was very old and hobbling along on her little cane she would come by every day at the first bell and the last bell.  We don't know all of the details about what happened with his mother, and probably never will. We know some things which we will keep private, but what seems very obvious to me is that God has provided several women in Sergey's life who have loved him and cherished him, and stepped in to fill a void that he had, to allow him to grow up to be the amazing young man that he is.  I am not implying that there will not be hardship and pain from not having his biological mother for most of his life, but I think that he has been shown deep love in a way that many children in his shoes never have, and for that I am truly beyond-words grateful.

And then the final clincher from the director (at which point all of the waterfalls of tears behind my eyes threatened to come pouring out) was this:  Apparently he has adopted one child.  He didn't give specifics about that child, but he said this, that if it weren't for the need to provide for Sergey's further education, career, etc, he himself would have adopted Sergey.  Looking in this man's kind eyes as Aloyna translated that to us was a moment I will never forget.  He said that he could tell just from being with us that we were good people and that we were going to provide a good home for Sergey. He told us right at the beginning that he was so very happy that Sergey was getting adopted, because he was the kind of kid who really should be in a family (I know, I know, OBVIOUSLY every kid should be in a family, and I agree, but I think I understood the sentiment behind what he was saying) - he said that he was a "good family child".  We laughed so hard together as we talked about how Sergey is NOT a big talker. I was so happy to know that my intuition was correct, that even in Russian Sergey does not like to talk very much.  The director said he really wanted us to know that, so that we wouldn't worry if he didn't talk much - that it is just the way he is. He imitated a conversation between Sergey and his girlfriend, "blah-blah-blah-blah ... " and on and on and then "Da," and then again "blah-blah-blah-blah ..." and then "nyet."  It was so funny - I knew exactly what he was saying even before Aloyna translated :-).  And it was kind of him to think of that - it gives us the freedom to allow him to be a man of few words. And in our home that is probably a good kind of man to be, because we already have several talkers (not naming any names).

We tried SO hard to get the director to give us some ideas of some things that we could bring as presents for him, for the orphanage, for the kids, for the caretakers.  He said that our donation that we give at the end of the process would be plenty, that he would use that to get what they need. I kept pushing (of course because I LOOOVE giving gifts!!!!), and finally he gave in and said we could bring laundry detergent :-).  He said with it getting warm the kids will be outside getting dirty more and they could use some detergent.  So he will be getting a LOT of detergent when we come back :-).  Those kids will be smelling good for months :-).  As we left his office, I was just so overwhelmed by thankfulness for the way that God has cared for our boy through this man and all of the other folks in this orphanage.  It was definitely not a place full of wealth, but it seemed to me a place where people were happy and well-cared for - which is a gift to my heart.

Sergey then took Aloyna, Clint and me on a tour around the school, while Svetlana (she is the lawyer and Aloyna is the translator) finished up with the business side of things.  On our way out of the building he showed us two pictures on the bulletin board that had him in them - when he was younger.  They are below :-).  Between 3 and 4 the kids have "rest time" where they are supposed to either sleep or rest, so it was very quiet.  He took us to his dorm and we walked in on about a dozen teen-aged boys in the lobby piled in together watching TV.  They all looked up at us and smiled and called out to Sergey.  He gave them that little sideways smile and showed us his room. There were bunkbeds in his room - a total of 5 beds - that were all perfectly neatly made up with matching quilted navy blue comforters.  I wanted to get better pictures, but I figured he was painfully aware of all of the boys staring in at us, so I just clicked a quick one of him and Clint :-).  I'll take more next time when all the boys aren't right there.  He had his own set of shelves at the foot of his bed (he sleeps on the bottom), and all of his things were neatly set up.  The director told us that Sergey was usually a very neat child who took good care of things, but that sometimes he could be a little messy (we have seen both of these things in our house when he has been with us :-).

We walked back through the lobby and walked down the stairs in front, when we heard someone call out to us and turned around. There was the cutest boy ever running out of the building towards us.  He came up and introduced himself and then said "Nice to meet you" in perfect English :-).  His name was Sasha, and he told us that he had been hosted in Colorado.  We asked him if he was friends with Sergey and he said "Yes!! Good friends!!"  He seriously could not have been any cuter or more earnest - my heart ACHED when I heard that he was already 16 (which means he can no longer be adopted).  However, I found out this evening though our New Horizons Facebook page that he was indeed hosted and offered the chance at a family, but didn't want to leave the siblings he had there.  That lessened my pain, knowing that he had been given that opportunity, but when I think of all the kids there who have not been offered that chance, it is hard to handle.  We saw the boy Igor who had been answering Sergey's phone (not the Igor who just got adopted), and we are going to keep trying to get him hosted.

Sergey and Sasha :-)

Sergey walked us back to our car where Svetlana was waiting for us.  We had brought a bunch of presents and had given him his already (he loved it :-), and had given the director his.  However, we still had 4 bags full of things for the kids and the caretakers.  Sergey said he would take them to the director for us, so that he could hand them out as he wished.  We talked a bit about the fact that we would see him again soon - hopefully just a matter of weeks until we have our official court date.  Aloyna told him that he would need to wear something nice, so he asked us if we would bring him some black pants and some shoes.  He has hardly EVER EVER EVER asked us for anything, so I know that he must be taking this seriously.  Nothing will be more fun that going to buy those shoes and pants :-).

We each hugged him goodbye and got in the car.  He walked away with the four bags in hand, off towards the director's house.  He walked for a while as we got settled in the car, and then turned around one more time to see us.  I had to seriously swallow some sobs, and could have cried for hours, but instead I tried to focus on the fact that we will see him again in just WEEKS!!!!!  And then soon after that, he will be in our house for good - so we don't need to cry!! Right???

Our view as he walked away - he had just turned the corner when we snapped this

After a LONG drive back to Odessa (we had to take a 2 hour detour to pick up another set of papers), we finally got home about 7:30 pm.  We had not eaten since that French Toast, so we went out and celebrated at our favorite restaurant, called The Steakhouse :-).  I had the best salmon I have EVER eaten, and Clint had another steak :-).  To give you some idea of how inexpensive it is - the salmon only cost twice as much as the ice cream you can get for dessert :-).  And Clint might have had one or two of those $1 beers again :-).  We had another adorable waitress who chatted with us quite a bit and let us practice our few words of Russian on her :-).  And now here we are - listening to Zac Brown, Facetiming our kids, and writing up this blog.  God is so good.

I'm in Love!!!

Okay, it's now official. I love Ukraine :-).  It is so amazing to think that most likely I would never have visited this country (much less learned anything about it or studied it at all) had we not met Sergey, and now it is one of my most favorite places in the world.  The people are beautiful, the countryside is gorgeous, the cities are alive and so fun, there are huge lovely parks everywhere, amazingly incredible churches all over the place, and we can eat at a really nice restaurant (food, drinks, dessert) for a price you would not believe (thank goodness for the strength of the dollar right now!!!). And yesterday I found a pair of boots on clearance in a little boutique in Kiev that I might just wear every day for the rest of my life because they are so awesome.  We may never come home :-).  JUST KIDDING - we will be coming home soon :-).

I last wrote on Thursday night, and now it is Saturday night here (we just found out that Spring forward is tonight, so we will be back on a 7 hour time difference, in case anyone was wondering :-).  Friday was another beautiful day - I am astonished by the beautiful weather we have had here.  We went to the United States Embassy in the morning to file our I600. It was an enormous building, and the area where you go to do adoption things had 18 windows for business.  But it was just us and one other guy :-).  We were standing there at the window finishing up when we heard Toby Mac's "Me without You" playing from somewhere. We both laughed out loud and thought of our boys (including Andrew Cook) - and they'll know why :-).  It was easy as could be, and then Alex took us back to our apartment. We went and got some lunch (I ordered a yummy pizza that I am going to try to make when I get home - SUPER thin focaccia bread, with caesar dressing, iceberg lettuce, bacon, and cherry tomatoes. It was like heaven - and less than $4!!).  After lunch we walked around Kiev some more and then Alex picked us up to take us to the SDA, where we picked up our referral for Sergey!!  It literally took one minute - we walked in, sat down, signed one paper, and walked out with everything we needed :-).  The woman who helped us was so nice and said Good Luck with everything!!

Instead of going back to our apartment, we had Alex drop us off at a place I had heard about when I was looking online for places to visit the night before.  It was beyond words - I took a ton of pictures (what a shock), but none of them even come close to showing you how gorgeous it was.  It was/is a monastery, and there were still monks walking around who are currently living there.  We went down underground to some caves where monks used to live - it was amazing.  If you ever go to Kiev, I would highly recommend you go see it.  Here are a few of the pictures:

When we left the monastery, we walked a ways to get to a World War II monument area, which was incredible as well.  Alex had told us that we needed to go, so that we could see the statue there. She was really impressive - a bit like the statue of liberty but shinier :-).  Here are a few pics from that area:

You can't really tell from this, but she is HUUUUGE.

We took a taxi back to our apartment and then went out for dinner. We chose the restaurant because it was called "Oliva" (Olivia minus one I) - we HAD to go there :-).  It was so fun - we had the cutest waitress who spoke lots of English and was so sweet to us.  I wish I had taken a picture of her instead of the restaurant :-), and I wish OUR Olivia could have been with us!!!

This morning Alex picked us up to catch the train at noon.  All of the other folks we know who have adopted from Sergey's orphanage have taken an overnight train to Odessa and then taken another one back to Kiev, so I had assumed that we would do the same.  However, Alex suggested the bus and we decided to go for it, since we would be able to see the countryside on the way, and be able to sleep in real beds instead of beds on a train!!  I am so very glad we did, because it gave us such a great picture of the country.  I have NEVER NEVER EVER seen so much lush, green, rich farmland, just mile after mile for 6 hours!!!!!  I took some pictures, but you can't really see what it was like.  The dirt was such a deep, rich brown, and the grass was just so green. I can't imagine what it looks like when they are growing their crops - I want to come back sometime in the summer with Sergey - I bet it is incredible.  One funny thing along the way - we stopped about half-way for folks to use the bathroom and get a snack, but you had to pay to use the bathroom! It was so funny - you went up to this window and gave them 2 grivna and they gave you a little coin. You put it in this turn-style and then could go into the restroom! We can't ever understand anything that people are saying, or read any of the signs, so we just follow the others and do whatever they are doing :-).  Thankfully this was a pretty clear thing and we figured it out okay :-).

We arrived in Odessa at 6 pm, and were greeted by another one of the folks working with us, Svetlana. She is so kind - everyone has told us how wonderful she is, and they were right :-). She brought us to our apartment, showed us where the grocery store was and suggested a few restaurants, and then headed home.  We settled in a bit and then went out for another great dinner - I am not sure I am ever going to be able to cook again.  I am getting so spoiled - what a treat to sit down night after night to a delicious meal that someone ELSE has prepared, and that someone ELSE is going to clean up!!!  And to be waited on by such lovely people - when I look back on this trip it will definitely be one of my most favorite memories of it. It has been a COMPLETELY unexpected blessing and gift.

I wish you could see this better - it was one of the most beautifully decorated restaurants I have ever seen.

Speaking of gifts, and things unexpected, I just want to share a quick story that I know some of you will think is silly/ridiculous, but I know that some of you will love as much as I did.  Tonight at dinner they brought us a bunch of different kinds of homemade bread, with a plate for dipping into, that had olive oil and some different spices and herbs (see pic above). It was to DIE for - I think I could have licked the plate.  It definitely was heavy on the garlic, as were the veggies we had, and so I was thinking how much I would love a piece of gum.  Let me say that I have literally not seen one piece of gum since we've been here - no one seems to chew it, or at least anyone that I've seen.  I had just had that thought when our sweet waitress brought us our bill (they never bring it until you ask for it - it's so nice because you can just relax and talk, and not have to feel like you need to rush out as soon as you are done).  They always bring the bill in something fun or pretty, and this time she brought it in an envelope.  Clint reached in to pull it out (picture below so you can see how nice even the BILLS are!!), and then a few minutes later he looked back in the envelope and said "Look! Two pieces of gum!"  To me (probably not to Clint, who most likely thinks I am crazy), that felt like just one more way (one of a MILLION things) that God was reminding us that He is right here with us and that we are exactly where we are supposed to be!!!

the bill - isn't it so pretty????

We are now back home, getting ready for bed.  We got to talk to 2 of our 3 kids in the States, and unpack all of our things in our new teeny tiny apartment :-).  Tomorrow is totally free, since it is a Sunday.  I think that we should go rent some bikes (we saw a place tonight as we were walking around that you can do so), and ride them to the beach.  In case you don't know, Odessa is right on the Black Sea.  I cannot wait to explore tomorrow - it definitely has the feel of a beach town, with tons of restaurants, hotels, shops, and happy people everywhere :-).  It is so quaint - cobblestone streets, lights hanging everywhere, a gorgeous park that we walked through tonight, and beautiful churches.  

Then, Monday is THE BIG DAY!!!!!!!!  We will pick up the social worker at 10:00 am and meet with her.  We will all drive to Sergey's orphanage, where he will have to sign the papers to say that he does wanted to be adopted by our family.  We will likely only see him for a matter of minutes before we head out to take the social worker back.  I think we have to file some papers or something, and then we will be done.  We will most likely spend the night here Monday night, and then take the bus back to Kiev on Tuesday, and then fly out on Thursday!!!  If everything goes as planned here (praying like crazy that it will!!!), we will be done on Wednesday. We are missing our kids at home so much that we checked in with our travel agent to see if we would be able to come home a day early if we are finished, but it would cost us $600 plus any flight difference, so we will just enjoy one more night in our luxury apartment in Kiev :-).  We are so enjoying ourselves, but missing our kiddos more and more each day.  At least we'll get to see this kiddo for a bit on Monday!!!!

Thank you for all of your prayers - I told Clint that I wish we always had people praying for us like this - it has been (almost) beyond words.  For me, I don't think anything is truly beyond words ;-).  Our next post will most likely be Monday after seeing Sergey, so keep us in your prayers!!! LOVE, Jen

We are REALLY HERE!!!

I don't know if other people have those moments where you don't really feel like you are doing what you are actually doing.  I get them a lot with my kids - I look at them and wonder where they come from and who they are - since I usually still feel like I am in high school, not the MOM of a high schooler!!!  Anyway, this is DEFINITELY one of those times!!! I cannot believe I am typing on my computer in this gorgeous room, with the full-length balcony doors open, listening to the many sounds coming in from the main street below.  We are right in the heart of the city - we can stand on our balcony and look down and the see the barricades that were built just a few months ago!  We heard many warnings of what life could be/would be like here, but apparently God wants to just keep blessing us because we have had nothing but WONDERFUL!!!  (I do realize that we have not even been here 24 hours yet and lots of things could still be hard, but I just want to celebrate this for right now!!)

The view out of our kitchen and living room windows

We left on Tuesday afternoon, flew to Atlanta (fairly quick layover), then to Paris (5 hour layover!) , and then to Kiev.  We have decided that WHENEVER possible we will be traveling Air France - we had the most delicious meal, the folks taking care of us were so nice, and there was FREE BEER and WINE!!!  Could hardly believe I was eating penne with salmon and a creamed leek sauce, with a fresh roll, a quinoa salad, and my own little bottle of red wine, while watching a movie with Clint, while I was ON A PLANE!!!  We did have some pretty bad turbulence later on in the trip, but Air France can't control that :-).

We arrived yesterday at what was 3:30 pm local time.  One of the folks who works with our agency here, a delightful young Ukranian man named Alex, came and picked us up.  He drove us to our apartment, walked us to the grocery store, and showed us a place we could go for dinner.  The apartment is INCREDIBLE - so so beautiful, huge, and lovely.  Our whole family could easily stay here - I am so sad they are not with us :-(.

After settling in a bit, we ventured out for dinner, and went to a restaurant recommended by our friends who were here a while ago, when they were adopting Igor (from Sergey's same orphanage).  It was a little Mexican restaurant that had English as well as Ukranian on the menu, had a waitress who spoke a little English and smiled more than anyone I've ever met (she was SOOO sweet), and had $1 beers.  It. Was. Awesome.

By the time we got back to our apartment it was getting late, so we did a few emails, talked to the kids again, and then headed to bed.  Keeping in touch with them has been fantastic - we talked to them from each airport, and then again last night when we were at dinner. The time difference (6 hours) makes it a bit of a challenge, but we are going to keep trying to chat a bit each morning before they go to school, and then again after they get home from school, before we head to bed.  They all seem to be doing fine - in the middle of dinner last night Sam sent me a message asking where his jacket was.  That was hilarious to both of us - we are on the other side of the world and Sam is still wanting me to find his stuff.  Whoever marries Sam one day - you have been warned.

I guess we were tired enough from all of the travel (I didn't really sleep at all the whole way, and Clint just got in a few quick naps here and there) that we EASILY fell asleep and slept all the way through the night. Alex said he would pick us up at 10:30, and I thought we would definitely be ready way before that, but when our alarm went off to get up this morning, I was SOUND asleep and could easily have slept for much, much longer!!!

A view of our apartment building from the street

Alex drove us to the SDA office, where we waited around for a bit, and then were shown in for our appointment.  Everyone was very friendly, so that was nice :-).  We had a few minutes of worry, when they couldn't find his documents. Thankfully, they did eventually find them, we signed a few things, and then headed home.  Today we basically requested to get the form that we will pick up tomorrow, and then at some point this weekend we will take the overnight train to Odessa, where Sergey is.

We are not sure yet whether or not we will be staying in Odessa, or for how long.  Some other folks have taken the overnight train there, done their business, and then taken it back. We are hoping we will get to stay longer there, since we heard it is so beautiful as well.  We are basically just going where they tell us to go, so we'll find out later :-).

Today we spent some time just walking around the whole area where all of the violence occurred just weeks ago.  It was super interesting and pictures can't really do it justice.  There are still folks living in the tents, and there were people everywhere.  Obviously, there was no violence at this point, but there was so much evidence of it that it was easy to imagine what it had been like.

Tonight we had another LOVELY dinner in a place we just stumbled across as we were walking around.  They actually had English written underneath most of the Ukranian, and all of the folks that worked there spoke a bit of English and were happy to try to talk to us.  I am amazed at how kind everyone is here and how helpful they are - I didn't know what the general sentiment towards Americans would be at this point, but so far we have only encountered super friendly people.

The bar at the restaurant where we ate

One of the beautiful chandeliers they had hanging

Salmon cakes and mashed potatoes, and apple strudel for dessert :-).

One more thing before I head out - folks have been asking about the process from this point out, so for those of you who don't know, here it is:
     We will return to the US the night of April 3rd.  We will wait to be given our official court date, which is usually 3-5 weeks after you have filed your form.  As soon as we get that date, we will book tickets for Clint and I to fly back for court, at which point Sergey will officially become our son.  That trip should only be about a week or 10 days, I think.  Once we have our court appointment, we have to wait 10 days before we can pick him up from his orphanage, so we will both fly home.  At the end of the waiting period, my aunt Jeannie will go with me to pick up Sergey and then bring him to Kiev to do a few more things, like a TB test and pick up passport, etc.  When we leave after finishing all of that, we will be bringing him home!!!!

I know many of you don't really want/need to know all of these details, but I LOVE reading updates from others who are adopting, and we truly feel like all of you are in this with us, so we want to keep you up with what is happening :-). Please pray that when we travel to Odessa that Sergey would remain firm in his decision to be adopted.  Our agency has figured in an extra day or two in his region in case he changes his mind, to give us a chance to talk to him.  I am praying that will NOT be necessary - please pray for courage for him. I can't even imagine how scary this is - pray that God would give him peace and allow him to say yes!!!!! Thank you!!!!

Sight for the Blind

Last week, I went to the eye doctor, and I am finally going to give in and get some glasses (but ONLY for reading and working on the computer :-).  I think it is very fitting that right now will be the first time in my life that I will start wearing glasses, because I feel like God has given me new sight over these past few weeks.  These weeks since Sergey left and we first learned how much he was struggling with his decision to join our family  have been some of the hardest of my life.  I was forced to come to grips with the fact that we might never see him again, and that felt almost too hard to accept.  It felt like walking into a dark room - I couldn't see what was ahead, I was afraid of what might be inside, and everything in me screamed to turn around and run away. Thankfully God had placed such a deep love for this boy in our hearts that running away was not an option, so we walked into the room.  It was a quiet place, and eventually even in the darkness I started to feel a peace and thought that I might really be okay.  And then we walked even deeper into the dark as I found out that I needed to have a biopsy done on a suspicious place found in a breast ultrasound.  At that point, any hint of light that I thought I saw ahead of me seemed to vanish.

Whenever I am driving down the road and see a funeral procession, it always strikes me as so odd that all of the rest of us are driving around, living our lives, going to work, attending school, talking to our kids, while this person who I don't even know is burying a loved one.  It always feels to me that everything should just stop.  When a tragedy has occurred, it feels like time should come to a halt, the sun should stop shining, and we should all sit and mourn this loss.  And when I think about the family members who are suffering that loss, I think of how alone they must feel.  For a mother, how she knows that NO OTHER MOTHER has just lost that child.  For a husband, that NO OTHER HUSBAND has just lost that wife.  It has seemed so unfair to me, that these people suffer while all of the rest of us are given the gift of an ordinary trip to the grocery store.  And then on a deeper level, there was always the fear lurking, "What about when that is me?  What if I lose my husband, or one of my children?  How will I survive?  I will be the only one suffering that loss, and I don't think I will be able to handle it."

And so when Clint is 20 minutes late coming home and doesn't answer his cell phone, the strong grip of fear grabs ahold of me. When I go outside and call and call for one of the kids and can't find them, panic rises up inside of me.  I think, "This is a road I can NOT walk down. I will NOT survive if this turns out badly."  Living this way robs so much joy from my life - clutching white-knuckled to the blessings that God has given me keeps me from being able to truly cherish and enjoy them.  I believe that if He were to take away any of those blessings, I would not be able to go on living.  I remember when Olivia was first born, I was lying in the hospital bed telling Clint over and over, "If anything happens to her, I will die.  Really. I will die. I will NOT go on living.  Really."  He just said "Okay, honey" and patted me on the head ;-), but I truly believed it.  I loved her so much, I could not possibly go on living without her.

Fast forward ahead to these past two weeks in our lives.  Fast forward to me being the one standing in the dark room, in the very, very tight grip of fear.  I am embarrassed, especially as a wife of a pastor and someone who has known Jesus her whole life, to admit just how strong that grip really was.  It was brutal.  I imagined all kinds of scenarios, including one where Sergey told us that he definitely wanted us to come adopt him, but then I would get a call telling me that I had cancer, and then the adoption would be off, since you have to be in good health to adopt.  That was just one scenario - I had many others as well.  I so wish I could say that I just sat back and trusted God, and knew that, whatever happened in either situation, I would trust him and be at peace.  But I didn't.

However, God used these days to change me, and that is why I am writing this post.  Over the course of those two weeks, I spent most of my time reading, writing, and praying.  I read the Bible, I read books, I read blogs.  I had a few conversations with my closest friends, but mostly I just spent time by myself looking to God for answers.  And honestly it wasn't just about these situations.  I knew that even if they both turned out well (which they have!!!!!! PRAISE GOD!!!!!), they wouldn't always turn out well.  Super hard things are going to happen in my life, and one day I will die.  Those are just true statements, no matter how hard I try to avoid their reality and mask the fear with all kinds of distractions.  Nothing had really changed in my life, other than the fact that I had just been brought more closely face-to-face with the reality that is always lurking behind every moment of my life, the reality of pain, suffering, and death.  I have lived a blessedly pain-free life.  It has not been perfect, but it has been free of tragedy and deep loss, and fairly free of suffering.  I have been able quite easily to push back the threat of darkness and death, but here I was standing in the room with it and wondering what was going to happen next.

And what happened, or at least what I think happened, is that God began to change me.  I am still afraid of dying, I am still afraid of cancer, I am still afraid of losing a child.  I can't imagine that any sane person would not be afraid of these things.  However, I do think that God has begun, even if imperceptibly, to loosen the grip that fear has on my heart.  How did He do this?  One way, I think, is simply by his Holy Spirit, in a way that I cannot understand or explain.  I cried out so many times "Jesus please help me," and I think that simply He did.  He eased my pain and fear, and I feel different than I did a month ago.

One way that I am certain he answered my prayers for help was by opening my eyes (hence the title of this blog).  In John 9, we read a story of a man who was born blind.  The disciples ask Jesus who sinned, the man or his parents, that he was born blind.  Jesus responds with these words: "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."  I have been thinking about this in terms of what has been happening to me.  I am reading an AMAZING book by Paul Miller called "A Loving Life," that examines the book of Ruth.  In it, he talks about "the low place."  He is talking about a place of humility, a place that Ruth goes willingly when she gives up her entire life to love and follow her mother-in-law Naomi.  Neither of the hard things I was facing were voluntary, but I feel like they had brought me to a place of humility.  I had none of the confidence, none of the ability, none of the security that I had previously felt.  Here were two difficult situations, and I had absolutely NO control over either of them.  I had not chosen the humble place, but I had been placed there regardless.  Miller says this about "the low place":

"You discover people in the low place. It is like entering a darkened room full of friends.  At first, you think you are alone, you can't make out anyone, but then as your eyes adjust to the light, you begin to see friends everywhere, maybe people that you didn't notice when you were up higher."  He also adds that "The great joy of the low place is that it is where God dwells (Isa 57:15)."  As I entered that dark room, and felt alone, I eventually discovered that I was NOT alone.  Over the weeks, as my eyes adjusted, I was able to see more and more clearly the other people who were there.  I saw so very clearly how many people were there for me, who were praying for me, loving me, bringing me meals, calling me, texting me, emailing me, hugging me and loving me.  Of course, I knew those people were there before, but somehow they looked very different as they emerged from the dark place and I saw them in a whole new light.  Before, they were just the fun and awesome people that God put in my life as a gift to enjoy.  Now, however, they were beautiful and kind people who God put in my life to help save me.  As I watched them emerge from the shadows, they just looked different.  More real, somehow more there.  And ultimately, their acts of love and kindness pointed to the most real, the most there one, who had given them to me, who had put them in my life.  And I just knew that He was there in a new way that  I don't think I ever had before.  And so my prayer now, as God continues to bring more and more sight to my blind eyes, is that "his work would be displayed" in me.

This experience was just a quick glimpse into the dark room, a preview of much harder things that I will most likely face later in my life (and that many of you have already faced).  We talked to Sergey this week and he said that he does want to come, and less than an hour later the doctor's office called to say that the biopsy was cancer-free.  The kindness of God in putting those two events so close together was almost more than I could bear.  It felt like a personal, intimate, tender word of love from my Abba Father who knows me and loves me.  I don't want to go back in that dark room, and I am SOOOOO loving being back out in the sunlight - it feels so very good :-).  However, whenever God in his infinite wisdom and love sees fit to call me back into the room, I think my eyes will adjust a bit more quickly. I think I will step into the room with just a bit more confidence, knowing that my friends are in there waiting for me, and that, most importantly, the God who made me, knows me, and sent his Son to die for me, is waiting for me inside with arms open wide.  And hopefully that knowledge will give me a new freedom (I think it already has) as I live out the rest of my days on this earth.

Until I get those glasses, I think I will need to go "rest my eyes."  :-). Good night to you :-).

P.S.  For those of you wondering exactly where we stand in the adoption process at this point, here it is: once we heard from Sergey that he wanted to come, we sent in our request for our first court appointment. We asked for March 18, but we won't know until we hear back from the Ukrainian government exactly what that date will be.  Once we get that date, we will buy tickets for our first trip, which both Clint and I will take, and that should last about 10 days.  When we return from that trip, we will wait for our next court date, which will likely be a few weeks after that.  Clint and I will return for that court date, and that trip will probably last around 10 days as well, but might be a bit shorter.  We will both come home from that, and then about 10 days later I will return with my wonderful Aunt Jeannie to pick Sergey up from the orphanage and do the rest of the paperwork necessary: visa, passport, medical records, etc. The length of that trip will just depend on the speed of appointments and paperwork.  And THEN, FINALLY, we will bring our boy HOME :-).

Picture taken soon after we were given so much good news :-).  So many crazy things had to happen to make this picture possible.  God is so very good to me :-).  I think you can almost see the look of disbelief still in my eyes.

The Real Truth

Last night we were wildly blessed to be a part of a beautiful community event.  The MOMS Club of Mechanicsville hosted a family dance (The Bop to Adopt Family Dance and Silent Auction) to help us raise funds for our adoption.  There were somewhere around 300 people in attendance, and over $8000 was raised. It was truly the perfect night, and was the result of MUCH hard work by a handful of very special friends.  It was a night where we felt loved and where we saw the absolute loveliness of our community. We will never, EVER, EVER forget it.

During one of the many very special conversations that I was able to have over the course of the evening, something struck me and has prompted me to write this (very, very long - sorry!) post.  I was speaking to a dear friend about a mutual friend who has recently experienced a great tragedy.  As we spoke, something she said made me realize that I have not been truly faithful or honest in the picture I have been painting of my life.  Obviously my close friends are aware of our reality, but I have been told that there are many people following along with our story who may not even know us, or not know us very well, and I think that they are probably not getting a true picture of what this journey is like, at least right now.

For the sake of Sergey's privacy, I will not go into the details of his struggles or even our interactions with him since he went back after Christmas.  I will just reiterate that he is struggling with what is an impossible decision, as a 15 year old boy, to leave behind all he has ever known, to come to a completely new world, totally unaware of what his future will look like.  We would ask for you to continue to pray for him and would also like to thank you for your faithfulness in doing so!! Our "Pray for Sergey" SignUp Genius continues to have new names added, and we are so grateful.

What I'd like to share now is a little bit more of my story, of how this last month has looked and felt for me.  My conviction as I chatted with my friend last night was that I have presented a fairly rosy public picture of how I/we have been doing.  If you have only been following us here or on Facebook, then you have seen lots of great pictures, countless pairs of shoes collected, thousands of dollars raised on Amazon, hundreds of folks coming together to have fun and support our cause.  All of that has been true and it has been miraculous.  God has used so many things we would have never even dreamed of to raise what once looked like an unattainable amount of money.  He has drawn in so many folks to support us, to pray for Sergey, and to love our family.  I could never have believed all of this could happen to us, and that's why I'm always so excited to announce these things to everyone in the world on Facebook :-).

However, there has been another side of this ride that only those closest to us have really seen.  I think I wanted to not make people uncomfortable, to not scare them away from hosting or adopting, to not be Debbie Downer and have folks avoid me when I might run into them in public.  And also, to be honest, it just hurt too much to even sit down and write it all out.  What I realized last night was that I am harming people by only telling them one side of the story. We all have pain, we all have aches, disappointments, unmet longings, deep scars.  On the one hand, we do love to rejoice with each other - to click "like" on an airport picture of a family reunited.  We love when things turn out well, we love a happy ending. But on the other hand, we are all very aware of the stories in our own lives and those around us that don't end up tied with a pretty bow.  We know that things don't always turn out well, more often than any of us really cares to admit.  It's easier, most of the time, to just survive, to push down that reality and just live on the level where things are happy, a place my dear friend Hunter Thompson has aptly named "Shallowland."  There are always lots of fun things to do in Shallowland, and if we try hard enough, we can succeed at living a good portion of our lives there.

Before this past month, I lived a lot more of my life in Shallowland than I care to admit.  I shied away from anything too deep or painful, because it just hurt too much.  I didn't know what to do with people who were in pain - what do I say to them? what can I do for them? how can i do something to make their pain go away?

What I have come to begin to learn over these past few weeks is that there is beauty, peace, and even joy in the deeper worlds, the places where pain takes us.  Part of the beauty of these places exists in the fact that we don't have to be alone in our pain.  There are other people out there struggling, all around us.  If we are willing to admit that we aren't "just fine," we can come along side of each other and love each other in a way that will never, ever exist in Shallowland.  I am wildly blessed to have been given the gift of many dear, kind, generous friends who have loved me and my family so well over this past month.  They have talked to me on the phone as I sobbed and sobbed and could not even speak.  They have sent gifts, emails, texts, cards.  They have called, visited, hugged and prayed.  They have paid for my dinner from across the restaurant as an unexpected and beautiful gesture.  They have followed me into the girls bathroom when I have run out of church unable to control my emotions.  They have not shied away from us in our pain, and have continued to show up.  Being able to cry, to mourn, to feel exactly what I am feeling, has been a gift that my friends have given me.  (And I want to make sure that you realize that my husband is included in this group of "friends," since he is my best friend :-), although he could not follow me into the bathroom, not only because he is a boy but because he is usually up front at the time ;-).  He, more than anyone, has had to live alongside what this pain has done to me, and he has done it with kindness, patience, and tender love. I am grateful for the way he has never demanded me to be someone that I am not - especially as he is not super "comfortable" with emotion ;-).  I love you, honey :-) - I had thought one day that I would "grow up" and not have such strong emotions, but it looks like maybe you are stuck with me like this :-).

So the reason I want to be more honest here is to tell you, whoever you are out there, that I am so sorry for whatever pain you are feeling now, or have felt, or will feel.  I may not know your exact pain or have been in your exact position, and I know that far too many of you have experienced enormous loss that I have not even touched yet in my life.  However, if you are someone that I am blessed enough to call friend, know that I am here, and would love to sit with you, cry with you, pray with you, or share an adult beverage (or two ;-) ) with you.  If I don't know you, or don't know you well enough for you to feel comfortable doing these things with me, please find a friend who will.  Find someone who will listen to you, not judge you, allow you to feel what you are feeling and not rush you into feeling better.  This has been one of the sweetest gifts my friends have given me - allowing me to be sad.  I have recently read (twice in the past three weeks) a phenomenal book on suffering, written by Tullian Tchividjian, called "Glorious Ruin: How Suffering Sets You Free," in which he says this: "When the bottom falls out of our lives, we don't necessarily find it comforting when people try to cheer us up. No matter how well intended, such overtures create pressure that adds to our distress.  Not only are we suffering, but now we feel bad about how we make those around us feel, or at least, about the disconnect between where they would like us to be and where we actually are."  If there is someone in your life who is struggling (and I am sure there is), allow them to be sad, and don't hurry them to a happier place.  And if you are the one who is struggling, try to surround yourself with friends who give you that freedom (often I think these friends are the fellow strugglers - I've noticed that folks who "have it all together" have much less patience for those of us falling apart.)

We don't know yet where the end of this road will be.  We are praying like crazy (as are many, many of you :-), that God will work a miracle - that Sergey will have the courage to leave everything he's ever known to come be a part of our family (and this community). However, in the meantime, I will continue to have days where my emotions are so overwhelming that I can't leave my house.  I'll continue to have Sundays where it is all I can do to remain standing during the worship time, when I feel like the pain will overcome me and I'll collapse to the ground.  I'll continue to have times where I feel like I literally cannot breathe and I pray I'll wake up and find out it's all a bad dream.  And I know that, until he is here for good, I will feel like a part of my heart is missing, a big chunk of my insides is just not there.  And if he ends up deciding that he can't come, that it's just too hard, I know that I will face even darker days, days that right now I can't even imagine surviving.

But here is what I also know, as Tchividjian says: "We may not ever fully understand why God allows the suffering that devastates our lives.  We may not ever find the right answers to how we'll dig ourselves out. There may not be any silver lining, especially not in the ways we would like.  But we don't need answers as much as we need God's presence in and through the suffering itself.  For the life of the believer, one thing is beautifully and abundantly true: God's chief concern in your suffering is to be with you and be Himself for you ... God wants to free us from ourselves, and there's nothing like suffering to show us that we need something bigger than our abilities and our strength and our explanations.  There's nothing like suffering to remind us how not in control we actually are, how little power we ultimately have, and how much we ultimately need God. In other words, suffering reveals to us the things that ultimately matter, which also happen to be the warp and woof of Christianity: who we are and who God is ... If the foundation of our identity is anything less than God, if the thing that makes us who we are is a position in life, a certain relationship, a prestigious name, money, you name it - then we will experience pain whenever and wherever that foundation is assaulted, as it inevitably will be.  Our suffering will serve as an indicator of how little we actually believe this good news (of Jesus), or at least an indicator of what we are building our life on and where we are looking for meaning.  And when we lose something we believed was crucial to our existence and value, maybe even something that we felt we deserved, when one of the load-bearing beams in the house that glory built collapses, we will become embittered or despondent.  The truth is, suffering does not rob us of joy; idolatry does.  But if our identity is anchored in Christ, so that we are able to say, "Everything I need I already possess in him," then suffering will drive us deeper into our source of joy ... Indeed, the gospel alone provides us with the foundation to maintain radical joy in remarkable loss."

It is this joy and beauty that I have begun to catch a glimpse of during these past few weeks, and it has been an unexpected gift.  And that is truth that I am happy to now be able to share :-).  Jesus is who He says He is, and He does not leave us alone. One last quote from Tchividjian: "There is no guarantee that we will experience relief from pain.  I wish I could say there was.  This life may feel like one long, painful death.  All you can do is hang on, and sometimes you can't even do that.  Fortunately, the good news of the gospel is not an admonition to hang on to God with all your strength and willpower and you'll be okay.  The good news of the gospel is not some gnostic encouragement to view your suffering in the right way, or understand the theology of the cross more deeply.  No, the good news of the gospel is that God is hanging on to you. He's not waiting for you to save yourself or mature into someone who no longer needs Him. He will not let you go, come what may.  Jesus will never, ever leave you or forsake you.  Nothing you can do or not do can separate you from the love of Christ."

And I pray that we will all be able to be honest and share in each other's hardships, share how God is changing us, meeting us, loving us, holding on to us.  I'd love to hear your story, if you're willing to share it with me.  Your story is a gift - please give it to someone soon.  I have faith that you (and your friend!) will be glad you did.