I'm in Love!!!

Okay, it's now official. I love Ukraine :-).  It is so amazing to think that most likely I would never have visited this country (much less learned anything about it or studied it at all) had we not met Sergey, and now it is one of my most favorite places in the world.  The people are beautiful, the countryside is gorgeous, the cities are alive and so fun, there are huge lovely parks everywhere, amazingly incredible churches all over the place, and we can eat at a really nice restaurant (food, drinks, dessert) for a price you would not believe (thank goodness for the strength of the dollar right now!!!). And yesterday I found a pair of boots on clearance in a little boutique in Kiev that I might just wear every day for the rest of my life because they are so awesome.  We may never come home :-).  JUST KIDDING - we will be coming home soon :-).

I last wrote on Thursday night, and now it is Saturday night here (we just found out that Spring forward is tonight, so we will be back on a 7 hour time difference, in case anyone was wondering :-).  Friday was another beautiful day - I am astonished by the beautiful weather we have had here.  We went to the United States Embassy in the morning to file our I600. It was an enormous building, and the area where you go to do adoption things had 18 windows for business.  But it was just us and one other guy :-).  We were standing there at the window finishing up when we heard Toby Mac's "Me without You" playing from somewhere. We both laughed out loud and thought of our boys (including Andrew Cook) - and they'll know why :-).  It was easy as could be, and then Alex took us back to our apartment. We went and got some lunch (I ordered a yummy pizza that I am going to try to make when I get home - SUPER thin focaccia bread, with caesar dressing, iceberg lettuce, bacon, and cherry tomatoes. It was like heaven - and less than $4!!).  After lunch we walked around Kiev some more and then Alex picked us up to take us to the SDA, where we picked up our referral for Sergey!!  It literally took one minute - we walked in, sat down, signed one paper, and walked out with everything we needed :-).  The woman who helped us was so nice and said Good Luck with everything!!

Instead of going back to our apartment, we had Alex drop us off at a place I had heard about when I was looking online for places to visit the night before.  It was beyond words - I took a ton of pictures (what a shock), but none of them even come close to showing you how gorgeous it was.  It was/is a monastery, and there were still monks walking around who are currently living there.  We went down underground to some caves where monks used to live - it was amazing.  If you ever go to Kiev, I would highly recommend you go see it.  Here are a few of the pictures:

When we left the monastery, we walked a ways to get to a World War II monument area, which was incredible as well.  Alex had told us that we needed to go, so that we could see the statue there. She was really impressive - a bit like the statue of liberty but shinier :-).  Here are a few pics from that area:

You can't really tell from this, but she is HUUUUGE.

We took a taxi back to our apartment and then went out for dinner. We chose the restaurant because it was called "Oliva" (Olivia minus one I) - we HAD to go there :-).  It was so fun - we had the cutest waitress who spoke lots of English and was so sweet to us.  I wish I had taken a picture of her instead of the restaurant :-), and I wish OUR Olivia could have been with us!!!

This morning Alex picked us up to catch the train at noon.  All of the other folks we know who have adopted from Sergey's orphanage have taken an overnight train to Odessa and then taken another one back to Kiev, so I had assumed that we would do the same.  However, Alex suggested the bus and we decided to go for it, since we would be able to see the countryside on the way, and be able to sleep in real beds instead of beds on a train!!  I am so very glad we did, because it gave us such a great picture of the country.  I have NEVER NEVER EVER seen so much lush, green, rich farmland, just mile after mile for 6 hours!!!!!  I took some pictures, but you can't really see what it was like.  The dirt was such a deep, rich brown, and the grass was just so green. I can't imagine what it looks like when they are growing their crops - I want to come back sometime in the summer with Sergey - I bet it is incredible.  One funny thing along the way - we stopped about half-way for folks to use the bathroom and get a snack, but you had to pay to use the bathroom! It was so funny - you went up to this window and gave them 2 grivna and they gave you a little coin. You put it in this turn-style and then could go into the restroom! We can't ever understand anything that people are saying, or read any of the signs, so we just follow the others and do whatever they are doing :-).  Thankfully this was a pretty clear thing and we figured it out okay :-).

We arrived in Odessa at 6 pm, and were greeted by another one of the folks working with us, Svetlana. She is so kind - everyone has told us how wonderful she is, and they were right :-). She brought us to our apartment, showed us where the grocery store was and suggested a few restaurants, and then headed home.  We settled in a bit and then went out for another great dinner - I am not sure I am ever going to be able to cook again.  I am getting so spoiled - what a treat to sit down night after night to a delicious meal that someone ELSE has prepared, and that someone ELSE is going to clean up!!!  And to be waited on by such lovely people - when I look back on this trip it will definitely be one of my most favorite memories of it. It has been a COMPLETELY unexpected blessing and gift.

I wish you could see this better - it was one of the most beautifully decorated restaurants I have ever seen.

Speaking of gifts, and things unexpected, I just want to share a quick story that I know some of you will think is silly/ridiculous, but I know that some of you will love as much as I did.  Tonight at dinner they brought us a bunch of different kinds of homemade bread, with a plate for dipping into, that had olive oil and some different spices and herbs (see pic above). It was to DIE for - I think I could have licked the plate.  It definitely was heavy on the garlic, as were the veggies we had, and so I was thinking how much I would love a piece of gum.  Let me say that I have literally not seen one piece of gum since we've been here - no one seems to chew it, or at least anyone that I've seen.  I had just had that thought when our sweet waitress brought us our bill (they never bring it until you ask for it - it's so nice because you can just relax and talk, and not have to feel like you need to rush out as soon as you are done).  They always bring the bill in something fun or pretty, and this time she brought it in an envelope.  Clint reached in to pull it out (picture below so you can see how nice even the BILLS are!!), and then a few minutes later he looked back in the envelope and said "Look! Two pieces of gum!"  To me (probably not to Clint, who most likely thinks I am crazy), that felt like just one more way (one of a MILLION things) that God was reminding us that He is right here with us and that we are exactly where we are supposed to be!!!

the bill - isn't it so pretty????

We are now back home, getting ready for bed.  We got to talk to 2 of our 3 kids in the States, and unpack all of our things in our new teeny tiny apartment :-).  Tomorrow is totally free, since it is a Sunday.  I think that we should go rent some bikes (we saw a place tonight as we were walking around that you can do so), and ride them to the beach.  In case you don't know, Odessa is right on the Black Sea.  I cannot wait to explore tomorrow - it definitely has the feel of a beach town, with tons of restaurants, hotels, shops, and happy people everywhere :-).  It is so quaint - cobblestone streets, lights hanging everywhere, a gorgeous park that we walked through tonight, and beautiful churches.  

Then, Monday is THE BIG DAY!!!!!!!!  We will pick up the social worker at 10:00 am and meet with her.  We will all drive to Sergey's orphanage, where he will have to sign the papers to say that he does wanted to be adopted by our family.  We will likely only see him for a matter of minutes before we head out to take the social worker back.  I think we have to file some papers or something, and then we will be done.  We will most likely spend the night here Monday night, and then take the bus back to Kiev on Tuesday, and then fly out on Thursday!!!  If everything goes as planned here (praying like crazy that it will!!!), we will be done on Wednesday. We are missing our kids at home so much that we checked in with our travel agent to see if we would be able to come home a day early if we are finished, but it would cost us $600 plus any flight difference, so we will just enjoy one more night in our luxury apartment in Kiev :-).  We are so enjoying ourselves, but missing our kiddos more and more each day.  At least we'll get to see this kiddo for a bit on Monday!!!!

Thank you for all of your prayers - I told Clint that I wish we always had people praying for us like this - it has been (almost) beyond words.  For me, I don't think anything is truly beyond words ;-).  Our next post will most likely be Monday after seeing Sergey, so keep us in your prayers!!! LOVE, Jen

We are REALLY HERE!!!

I don't know if other people have those moments where you don't really feel like you are doing what you are actually doing.  I get them a lot with my kids - I look at them and wonder where they come from and who they are - since I usually still feel like I am in high school, not the MOM of a high schooler!!!  Anyway, this is DEFINITELY one of those times!!! I cannot believe I am typing on my computer in this gorgeous room, with the full-length balcony doors open, listening to the many sounds coming in from the main street below.  We are right in the heart of the city - we can stand on our balcony and look down and the see the barricades that were built just a few months ago!  We heard many warnings of what life could be/would be like here, but apparently God wants to just keep blessing us because we have had nothing but WONDERFUL!!!  (I do realize that we have not even been here 24 hours yet and lots of things could still be hard, but I just want to celebrate this for right now!!)

The view out of our kitchen and living room windows

We left on Tuesday afternoon, flew to Atlanta (fairly quick layover), then to Paris (5 hour layover!) , and then to Kiev.  We have decided that WHENEVER possible we will be traveling Air France - we had the most delicious meal, the folks taking care of us were so nice, and there was FREE BEER and WINE!!!  Could hardly believe I was eating penne with salmon and a creamed leek sauce, with a fresh roll, a quinoa salad, and my own little bottle of red wine, while watching a movie with Clint, while I was ON A PLANE!!!  We did have some pretty bad turbulence later on in the trip, but Air France can't control that :-).

We arrived yesterday at what was 3:30 pm local time.  One of the folks who works with our agency here, a delightful young Ukranian man named Alex, came and picked us up.  He drove us to our apartment, walked us to the grocery store, and showed us a place we could go for dinner.  The apartment is INCREDIBLE - so so beautiful, huge, and lovely.  Our whole family could easily stay here - I am so sad they are not with us :-(.

After settling in a bit, we ventured out for dinner, and went to a restaurant recommended by our friends who were here a while ago, when they were adopting Igor (from Sergey's same orphanage).  It was a little Mexican restaurant that had English as well as Ukranian on the menu, had a waitress who spoke a little English and smiled more than anyone I've ever met (she was SOOO sweet), and had $1 beers.  It. Was. Awesome.

By the time we got back to our apartment it was getting late, so we did a few emails, talked to the kids again, and then headed to bed.  Keeping in touch with them has been fantastic - we talked to them from each airport, and then again last night when we were at dinner. The time difference (6 hours) makes it a bit of a challenge, but we are going to keep trying to chat a bit each morning before they go to school, and then again after they get home from school, before we head to bed.  They all seem to be doing fine - in the middle of dinner last night Sam sent me a message asking where his jacket was.  That was hilarious to both of us - we are on the other side of the world and Sam is still wanting me to find his stuff.  Whoever marries Sam one day - you have been warned.

I guess we were tired enough from all of the travel (I didn't really sleep at all the whole way, and Clint just got in a few quick naps here and there) that we EASILY fell asleep and slept all the way through the night. Alex said he would pick us up at 10:30, and I thought we would definitely be ready way before that, but when our alarm went off to get up this morning, I was SOUND asleep and could easily have slept for much, much longer!!!

A view of our apartment building from the street

Alex drove us to the SDA office, where we waited around for a bit, and then were shown in for our appointment.  Everyone was very friendly, so that was nice :-).  We had a few minutes of worry, when they couldn't find his documents. Thankfully, they did eventually find them, we signed a few things, and then headed home.  Today we basically requested to get the form that we will pick up tomorrow, and then at some point this weekend we will take the overnight train to Odessa, where Sergey is.

We are not sure yet whether or not we will be staying in Odessa, or for how long.  Some other folks have taken the overnight train there, done their business, and then taken it back. We are hoping we will get to stay longer there, since we heard it is so beautiful as well.  We are basically just going where they tell us to go, so we'll find out later :-).

Today we spent some time just walking around the whole area where all of the violence occurred just weeks ago.  It was super interesting and pictures can't really do it justice.  There are still folks living in the tents, and there were people everywhere.  Obviously, there was no violence at this point, but there was so much evidence of it that it was easy to imagine what it had been like.

Tonight we had another LOVELY dinner in a place we just stumbled across as we were walking around.  They actually had English written underneath most of the Ukranian, and all of the folks that worked there spoke a bit of English and were happy to try to talk to us.  I am amazed at how kind everyone is here and how helpful they are - I didn't know what the general sentiment towards Americans would be at this point, but so far we have only encountered super friendly people.

The bar at the restaurant where we ate

One of the beautiful chandeliers they had hanging

Salmon cakes and mashed potatoes, and apple strudel for dessert :-).

One more thing before I head out - folks have been asking about the process from this point out, so for those of you who don't know, here it is:
     We will return to the US the night of April 3rd.  We will wait to be given our official court date, which is usually 3-5 weeks after you have filed your form.  As soon as we get that date, we will book tickets for Clint and I to fly back for court, at which point Sergey will officially become our son.  That trip should only be about a week or 10 days, I think.  Once we have our court appointment, we have to wait 10 days before we can pick him up from his orphanage, so we will both fly home.  At the end of the waiting period, my aunt Jeannie will go with me to pick up Sergey and then bring him to Kiev to do a few more things, like a TB test and pick up passport, etc.  When we leave after finishing all of that, we will be bringing him home!!!!

I know many of you don't really want/need to know all of these details, but I LOVE reading updates from others who are adopting, and we truly feel like all of you are in this with us, so we want to keep you up with what is happening :-). Please pray that when we travel to Odessa that Sergey would remain firm in his decision to be adopted.  Our agency has figured in an extra day or two in his region in case he changes his mind, to give us a chance to talk to him.  I am praying that will NOT be necessary - please pray for courage for him. I can't even imagine how scary this is - pray that God would give him peace and allow him to say yes!!!!! Thank you!!!!

Sight for the Blind

Last week, I went to the eye doctor, and I am finally going to give in and get some glasses (but ONLY for reading and working on the computer :-).  I think it is very fitting that right now will be the first time in my life that I will start wearing glasses, because I feel like God has given me new sight over these past few weeks.  These weeks since Sergey left and we first learned how much he was struggling with his decision to join our family  have been some of the hardest of my life.  I was forced to come to grips with the fact that we might never see him again, and that felt almost too hard to accept.  It felt like walking into a dark room - I couldn't see what was ahead, I was afraid of what might be inside, and everything in me screamed to turn around and run away. Thankfully God had placed such a deep love for this boy in our hearts that running away was not an option, so we walked into the room.  It was a quiet place, and eventually even in the darkness I started to feel a peace and thought that I might really be okay.  And then we walked even deeper into the dark as I found out that I needed to have a biopsy done on a suspicious place found in a breast ultrasound.  At that point, any hint of light that I thought I saw ahead of me seemed to vanish.

Whenever I am driving down the road and see a funeral procession, it always strikes me as so odd that all of the rest of us are driving around, living our lives, going to work, attending school, talking to our kids, while this person who I don't even know is burying a loved one.  It always feels to me that everything should just stop.  When a tragedy has occurred, it feels like time should come to a halt, the sun should stop shining, and we should all sit and mourn this loss.  And when I think about the family members who are suffering that loss, I think of how alone they must feel.  For a mother, how she knows that NO OTHER MOTHER has just lost that child.  For a husband, that NO OTHER HUSBAND has just lost that wife.  It has seemed so unfair to me, that these people suffer while all of the rest of us are given the gift of an ordinary trip to the grocery store.  And then on a deeper level, there was always the fear lurking, "What about when that is me?  What if I lose my husband, or one of my children?  How will I survive?  I will be the only one suffering that loss, and I don't think I will be able to handle it."

And so when Clint is 20 minutes late coming home and doesn't answer his cell phone, the strong grip of fear grabs ahold of me. When I go outside and call and call for one of the kids and can't find them, panic rises up inside of me.  I think, "This is a road I can NOT walk down. I will NOT survive if this turns out badly."  Living this way robs so much joy from my life - clutching white-knuckled to the blessings that God has given me keeps me from being able to truly cherish and enjoy them.  I believe that if He were to take away any of those blessings, I would not be able to go on living.  I remember when Olivia was first born, I was lying in the hospital bed telling Clint over and over, "If anything happens to her, I will die.  Really. I will die. I will NOT go on living.  Really."  He just said "Okay, honey" and patted me on the head ;-), but I truly believed it.  I loved her so much, I could not possibly go on living without her.

Fast forward ahead to these past two weeks in our lives.  Fast forward to me being the one standing in the dark room, in the very, very tight grip of fear.  I am embarrassed, especially as a wife of a pastor and someone who has known Jesus her whole life, to admit just how strong that grip really was.  It was brutal.  I imagined all kinds of scenarios, including one where Sergey told us that he definitely wanted us to come adopt him, but then I would get a call telling me that I had cancer, and then the adoption would be off, since you have to be in good health to adopt.  That was just one scenario - I had many others as well.  I so wish I could say that I just sat back and trusted God, and knew that, whatever happened in either situation, I would trust him and be at peace.  But I didn't.

However, God used these days to change me, and that is why I am writing this post.  Over the course of those two weeks, I spent most of my time reading, writing, and praying.  I read the Bible, I read books, I read blogs.  I had a few conversations with my closest friends, but mostly I just spent time by myself looking to God for answers.  And honestly it wasn't just about these situations.  I knew that even if they both turned out well (which they have!!!!!! PRAISE GOD!!!!!), they wouldn't always turn out well.  Super hard things are going to happen in my life, and one day I will die.  Those are just true statements, no matter how hard I try to avoid their reality and mask the fear with all kinds of distractions.  Nothing had really changed in my life, other than the fact that I had just been brought more closely face-to-face with the reality that is always lurking behind every moment of my life, the reality of pain, suffering, and death.  I have lived a blessedly pain-free life.  It has not been perfect, but it has been free of tragedy and deep loss, and fairly free of suffering.  I have been able quite easily to push back the threat of darkness and death, but here I was standing in the room with it and wondering what was going to happen next.

And what happened, or at least what I think happened, is that God began to change me.  I am still afraid of dying, I am still afraid of cancer, I am still afraid of losing a child.  I can't imagine that any sane person would not be afraid of these things.  However, I do think that God has begun, even if imperceptibly, to loosen the grip that fear has on my heart.  How did He do this?  One way, I think, is simply by his Holy Spirit, in a way that I cannot understand or explain.  I cried out so many times "Jesus please help me," and I think that simply He did.  He eased my pain and fear, and I feel different than I did a month ago.

One way that I am certain he answered my prayers for help was by opening my eyes (hence the title of this blog).  In John 9, we read a story of a man who was born blind.  The disciples ask Jesus who sinned, the man or his parents, that he was born blind.  Jesus responds with these words: "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."  I have been thinking about this in terms of what has been happening to me.  I am reading an AMAZING book by Paul Miller called "A Loving Life," that examines the book of Ruth.  In it, he talks about "the low place."  He is talking about a place of humility, a place that Ruth goes willingly when she gives up her entire life to love and follow her mother-in-law Naomi.  Neither of the hard things I was facing were voluntary, but I feel like they had brought me to a place of humility.  I had none of the confidence, none of the ability, none of the security that I had previously felt.  Here were two difficult situations, and I had absolutely NO control over either of them.  I had not chosen the humble place, but I had been placed there regardless.  Miller says this about "the low place":

"You discover people in the low place. It is like entering a darkened room full of friends.  At first, you think you are alone, you can't make out anyone, but then as your eyes adjust to the light, you begin to see friends everywhere, maybe people that you didn't notice when you were up higher."  He also adds that "The great joy of the low place is that it is where God dwells (Isa 57:15)."  As I entered that dark room, and felt alone, I eventually discovered that I was NOT alone.  Over the weeks, as my eyes adjusted, I was able to see more and more clearly the other people who were there.  I saw so very clearly how many people were there for me, who were praying for me, loving me, bringing me meals, calling me, texting me, emailing me, hugging me and loving me.  Of course, I knew those people were there before, but somehow they looked very different as they emerged from the dark place and I saw them in a whole new light.  Before, they were just the fun and awesome people that God put in my life as a gift to enjoy.  Now, however, they were beautiful and kind people who God put in my life to help save me.  As I watched them emerge from the shadows, they just looked different.  More real, somehow more there.  And ultimately, their acts of love and kindness pointed to the most real, the most there one, who had given them to me, who had put them in my life.  And I just knew that He was there in a new way that  I don't think I ever had before.  And so my prayer now, as God continues to bring more and more sight to my blind eyes, is that "his work would be displayed" in me.

This experience was just a quick glimpse into the dark room, a preview of much harder things that I will most likely face later in my life (and that many of you have already faced).  We talked to Sergey this week and he said that he does want to come, and less than an hour later the doctor's office called to say that the biopsy was cancer-free.  The kindness of God in putting those two events so close together was almost more than I could bear.  It felt like a personal, intimate, tender word of love from my Abba Father who knows me and loves me.  I don't want to go back in that dark room, and I am SOOOOO loving being back out in the sunlight - it feels so very good :-).  However, whenever God in his infinite wisdom and love sees fit to call me back into the room, I think my eyes will adjust a bit more quickly. I think I will step into the room with just a bit more confidence, knowing that my friends are in there waiting for me, and that, most importantly, the God who made me, knows me, and sent his Son to die for me, is waiting for me inside with arms open wide.  And hopefully that knowledge will give me a new freedom (I think it already has) as I live out the rest of my days on this earth.

Until I get those glasses, I think I will need to go "rest my eyes."  :-). Good night to you :-).

P.S.  For those of you wondering exactly where we stand in the adoption process at this point, here it is: once we heard from Sergey that he wanted to come, we sent in our request for our first court appointment. We asked for March 18, but we won't know until we hear back from the Ukrainian government exactly what that date will be.  Once we get that date, we will buy tickets for our first trip, which both Clint and I will take, and that should last about 10 days.  When we return from that trip, we will wait for our next court date, which will likely be a few weeks after that.  Clint and I will return for that court date, and that trip will probably last around 10 days as well, but might be a bit shorter.  We will both come home from that, and then about 10 days later I will return with my wonderful Aunt Jeannie to pick Sergey up from the orphanage and do the rest of the paperwork necessary: visa, passport, medical records, etc. The length of that trip will just depend on the speed of appointments and paperwork.  And THEN, FINALLY, we will bring our boy HOME :-).

Picture taken soon after we were given so much good news :-).  So many crazy things had to happen to make this picture possible.  God is so very good to me :-).  I think you can almost see the look of disbelief still in my eyes.

The Real Truth

Last night we were wildly blessed to be a part of a beautiful community event.  The MOMS Club of Mechanicsville hosted a family dance (The Bop to Adopt Family Dance and Silent Auction) to help us raise funds for our adoption.  There were somewhere around 300 people in attendance, and over $8000 was raised. It was truly the perfect night, and was the result of MUCH hard work by a handful of very special friends.  It was a night where we felt loved and where we saw the absolute loveliness of our community. We will never, EVER, EVER forget it.

During one of the many very special conversations that I was able to have over the course of the evening, something struck me and has prompted me to write this (very, very long - sorry!) post.  I was speaking to a dear friend about a mutual friend who has recently experienced a great tragedy.  As we spoke, something she said made me realize that I have not been truly faithful or honest in the picture I have been painting of my life.  Obviously my close friends are aware of our reality, but I have been told that there are many people following along with our story who may not even know us, or not know us very well, and I think that they are probably not getting a true picture of what this journey is like, at least right now.

For the sake of Sergey's privacy, I will not go into the details of his struggles or even our interactions with him since he went back after Christmas.  I will just reiterate that he is struggling with what is an impossible decision, as a 15 year old boy, to leave behind all he has ever known, to come to a completely new world, totally unaware of what his future will look like.  We would ask for you to continue to pray for him and would also like to thank you for your faithfulness in doing so!! Our "Pray for Sergey" SignUp Genius continues to have new names added, and we are so grateful.

What I'd like to share now is a little bit more of my story, of how this last month has looked and felt for me.  My conviction as I chatted with my friend last night was that I have presented a fairly rosy public picture of how I/we have been doing.  If you have only been following us here or on Facebook, then you have seen lots of great pictures, countless pairs of shoes collected, thousands of dollars raised on Amazon, hundreds of folks coming together to have fun and support our cause.  All of that has been true and it has been miraculous.  God has used so many things we would have never even dreamed of to raise what once looked like an unattainable amount of money.  He has drawn in so many folks to support us, to pray for Sergey, and to love our family.  I could never have believed all of this could happen to us, and that's why I'm always so excited to announce these things to everyone in the world on Facebook :-).

However, there has been another side of this ride that only those closest to us have really seen.  I think I wanted to not make people uncomfortable, to not scare them away from hosting or adopting, to not be Debbie Downer and have folks avoid me when I might run into them in public.  And also, to be honest, it just hurt too much to even sit down and write it all out.  What I realized last night was that I am harming people by only telling them one side of the story. We all have pain, we all have aches, disappointments, unmet longings, deep scars.  On the one hand, we do love to rejoice with each other - to click "like" on an airport picture of a family reunited.  We love when things turn out well, we love a happy ending. But on the other hand, we are all very aware of the stories in our own lives and those around us that don't end up tied with a pretty bow.  We know that things don't always turn out well, more often than any of us really cares to admit.  It's easier, most of the time, to just survive, to push down that reality and just live on the level where things are happy, a place my dear friend Hunter Thompson has aptly named "Shallowland."  There are always lots of fun things to do in Shallowland, and if we try hard enough, we can succeed at living a good portion of our lives there.

Before this past month, I lived a lot more of my life in Shallowland than I care to admit.  I shied away from anything too deep or painful, because it just hurt too much.  I didn't know what to do with people who were in pain - what do I say to them? what can I do for them? how can i do something to make their pain go away?

What I have come to begin to learn over these past few weeks is that there is beauty, peace, and even joy in the deeper worlds, the places where pain takes us.  Part of the beauty of these places exists in the fact that we don't have to be alone in our pain.  There are other people out there struggling, all around us.  If we are willing to admit that we aren't "just fine," we can come along side of each other and love each other in a way that will never, ever exist in Shallowland.  I am wildly blessed to have been given the gift of many dear, kind, generous friends who have loved me and my family so well over this past month.  They have talked to me on the phone as I sobbed and sobbed and could not even speak.  They have sent gifts, emails, texts, cards.  They have called, visited, hugged and prayed.  They have paid for my dinner from across the restaurant as an unexpected and beautiful gesture.  They have followed me into the girls bathroom when I have run out of church unable to control my emotions.  They have not shied away from us in our pain, and have continued to show up.  Being able to cry, to mourn, to feel exactly what I am feeling, has been a gift that my friends have given me.  (And I want to make sure that you realize that my husband is included in this group of "friends," since he is my best friend :-), although he could not follow me into the bathroom, not only because he is a boy but because he is usually up front at the time ;-).  He, more than anyone, has had to live alongside what this pain has done to me, and he has done it with kindness, patience, and tender love. I am grateful for the way he has never demanded me to be someone that I am not - especially as he is not super "comfortable" with emotion ;-).  I love you, honey :-) - I had thought one day that I would "grow up" and not have such strong emotions, but it looks like maybe you are stuck with me like this :-).

So the reason I want to be more honest here is to tell you, whoever you are out there, that I am so sorry for whatever pain you are feeling now, or have felt, or will feel.  I may not know your exact pain or have been in your exact position, and I know that far too many of you have experienced enormous loss that I have not even touched yet in my life.  However, if you are someone that I am blessed enough to call friend, know that I am here, and would love to sit with you, cry with you, pray with you, or share an adult beverage (or two ;-) ) with you.  If I don't know you, or don't know you well enough for you to feel comfortable doing these things with me, please find a friend who will.  Find someone who will listen to you, not judge you, allow you to feel what you are feeling and not rush you into feeling better.  This has been one of the sweetest gifts my friends have given me - allowing me to be sad.  I have recently read (twice in the past three weeks) a phenomenal book on suffering, written by Tullian Tchividjian, called "Glorious Ruin: How Suffering Sets You Free," in which he says this: "When the bottom falls out of our lives, we don't necessarily find it comforting when people try to cheer us up. No matter how well intended, such overtures create pressure that adds to our distress.  Not only are we suffering, but now we feel bad about how we make those around us feel, or at least, about the disconnect between where they would like us to be and where we actually are."  If there is someone in your life who is struggling (and I am sure there is), allow them to be sad, and don't hurry them to a happier place.  And if you are the one who is struggling, try to surround yourself with friends who give you that freedom (often I think these friends are the fellow strugglers - I've noticed that folks who "have it all together" have much less patience for those of us falling apart.)

We don't know yet where the end of this road will be.  We are praying like crazy (as are many, many of you :-), that God will work a miracle - that Sergey will have the courage to leave everything he's ever known to come be a part of our family (and this community). However, in the meantime, I will continue to have days where my emotions are so overwhelming that I can't leave my house.  I'll continue to have Sundays where it is all I can do to remain standing during the worship time, when I feel like the pain will overcome me and I'll collapse to the ground.  I'll continue to have times where I feel like I literally cannot breathe and I pray I'll wake up and find out it's all a bad dream.  And I know that, until he is here for good, I will feel like a part of my heart is missing, a big chunk of my insides is just not there.  And if he ends up deciding that he can't come, that it's just too hard, I know that I will face even darker days, days that right now I can't even imagine surviving.

But here is what I also know, as Tchividjian says: "We may not ever fully understand why God allows the suffering that devastates our lives.  We may not ever find the right answers to how we'll dig ourselves out. There may not be any silver lining, especially not in the ways we would like.  But we don't need answers as much as we need God's presence in and through the suffering itself.  For the life of the believer, one thing is beautifully and abundantly true: God's chief concern in your suffering is to be with you and be Himself for you ... God wants to free us from ourselves, and there's nothing like suffering to show us that we need something bigger than our abilities and our strength and our explanations.  There's nothing like suffering to remind us how not in control we actually are, how little power we ultimately have, and how much we ultimately need God. In other words, suffering reveals to us the things that ultimately matter, which also happen to be the warp and woof of Christianity: who we are and who God is ... If the foundation of our identity is anything less than God, if the thing that makes us who we are is a position in life, a certain relationship, a prestigious name, money, you name it - then we will experience pain whenever and wherever that foundation is assaulted, as it inevitably will be.  Our suffering will serve as an indicator of how little we actually believe this good news (of Jesus), or at least an indicator of what we are building our life on and where we are looking for meaning.  And when we lose something we believed was crucial to our existence and value, maybe even something that we felt we deserved, when one of the load-bearing beams in the house that glory built collapses, we will become embittered or despondent.  The truth is, suffering does not rob us of joy; idolatry does.  But if our identity is anchored in Christ, so that we are able to say, "Everything I need I already possess in him," then suffering will drive us deeper into our source of joy ... Indeed, the gospel alone provides us with the foundation to maintain radical joy in remarkable loss."

It is this joy and beauty that I have begun to catch a glimpse of during these past few weeks, and it has been an unexpected gift.  And that is truth that I am happy to now be able to share :-).  Jesus is who He says He is, and He does not leave us alone. One last quote from Tchividjian: "There is no guarantee that we will experience relief from pain.  I wish I could say there was.  This life may feel like one long, painful death.  All you can do is hang on, and sometimes you can't even do that.  Fortunately, the good news of the gospel is not an admonition to hang on to God with all your strength and willpower and you'll be okay.  The good news of the gospel is not some gnostic encouragement to view your suffering in the right way, or understand the theology of the cross more deeply.  No, the good news of the gospel is that God is hanging on to you. He's not waiting for you to save yourself or mature into someone who no longer needs Him. He will not let you go, come what may.  Jesus will never, ever leave you or forsake you.  Nothing you can do or not do can separate you from the love of Christ."

And I pray that we will all be able to be honest and share in each other's hardships, share how God is changing us, meeting us, loving us, holding on to us.  I'd love to hear your story, if you're willing to share it with me.  Your story is a gift - please give it to someone soon.  I have faith that you (and your friend!) will be glad you did.

We Need a Miracle

As I mentioned in an earlier blog post, for any child trying to be adopted from Ukraine there is a very large possibility that he/she will say "no" when asked if they want to be adopted, especially for the older teens like Sergey.  There are so very many factors going into this, all of which are completely understandable.  These children are being asked to leave absolutely everything they have EVER known; family, friends, food, language, weather, smells, sights, everything, to go somewhere that is so foreign it might as well be another planet.  Imagine yourself as a teenager, being asked to make an irrevocable decision, to leave all that you know to go live on the moon.  How hard would that be? I think that their decision is even harder, because they have no one to guide/parent them through this decision, and they have no real way of knowing what life will really be like in their new home.  They have all been told plenty of lies about what life will be like, by folks who do not want what is best for them.  This is the reality that Sergey is facing right now.

If all goes as we had expected, we will travel for our first trip to Ukraine in early March.  On this trip, he will have to write out an official statement declaring his desire to be adopted by our family.  For the sake of Sergey's privacy I will not give any details, but I want to share with you that he is indeed struggling deeply with this decision.  We knew all along this would likely be an issue, and now it is time to face this battle head on.

We truly believe that Sergey is in the middle of a battle for his soul.  Where he lives is a very dark place, spiritually.  Jesus can meet people wherever they are, but there are very few people who love Jesus where Sergey is, and he has no real exposure to the Gospel.  If he is not adopted, the place he lives will become much darker, and we are certain that is exactly where Satan would like him to be.  Knowing that we are in a battle means we need soldiers, and that is why we are sharing this information and pleading for your help.  We believe in the power of prayer.  We believe our Lord hears us when we cry out, and so we are asking you to cry out with us.  Just like we've mobilized armies of folks to shop on Amazon and collect old shoes, so now we are looking for folks to pray for the soul of our boy.

Just as we did with the link and the shoes, we would ask you to tell all of your praying friends, family, and neighbors about our plea.  Every bit of this journey has been a community effort - let's bring our boy home as a community, believers from all over who have fallen in love with this boy and long to see the plans that God has for his life.

In order to be sure that he is being covered in prayer each day from now until we travel, I have set up a Sign Up Genius http://www.signupgenius.com/go/30E0E4DADAF2BA13-pray. Feel free to sign up once or as many times as you like.  This will be a concrete way for us to encourage each other, not forget to pray (they will send you a reminder), and can serve as a beautiful monument to show Sergey when, God willing, he is here with us for good, just how faithfully he has been loved, and by so very many people.  Feel free to post on Facebook or on this blog any verses of encouragement you have, or to let us know how God is leading you to pray  Obviously our family is struggling in the midst of this as well, and your prayers and words are precious to us.  Feel free to share with your churches and Bible studies - we want to send up a loud cry to the ears of our God Who Hears.

Here are a few that I have been praying:

"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you.  He will be with you, he will neither fail you nor abandon you." Deuteronomy 31:8

"But Jesus spoke to them at once, "Don't be afraid," he said, "Take courage.  I am here!" Matthew 14:27

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."  Hebrews 11:1

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Week Four report

I left off the last post with the boys heading out to school after the second of two two-hour delays.  Wednesday Sergey went to the dentist - one cavity and one almost cavity, which we will wait to fill until he comes and is on our insurance (the dentist said they are super small and he should be fine to wait a few months).  He did NOT want to go - the look he gave me when I told him we were going was the most negative I've ever seen from him, but it still had that little smile behind it, and he still went willingly.  The amazing thing was this - we took him to the dentist when he was here LAST YEAR.  We recently had to change insurance companies and our old dentist was not on our plan, so we switched dentists. When I took a turn towards the new office, he pointed straight ahead, which is the direction you would take to our old dentist office.  I told you - the kid is crazy smart.

I won't elaborate here about something that happened on Wednesday, but I will say that we ended up having a deeper talk with Sergey than we ever have had before, on Thursday morning, due to what happened. I had asked several close friends to pray for us because of how nervous I was about how it would go, and God was SOOOO gracious and faithful.  It was a great conversation, that I feel really helped us get to know our boy better, to see who he really is, and to connect to him in a new way. I literally felt like a new person on Thursday after the conversation (we went to see Emmanuel so he could help translate), and was just beyond grateful for the mercy of our God.  In response to my email request for prayer, one of my friends responded with these words that God had brought to her while praying with some other friends that night, and they spoke right to my heart. I feel like they would be helpful for anyone in a position of fear/doubt/uncertainty, so I will share them with you :-):

God hears your groaning

He remembers the covenant and his promises to you

You (and me!) ask questions "who am I to handle this"...God says, "I will be with you". 

God softens the oppressors

God sees his children and is concerned

God is the one who leads heart to repent

Just when the Israelites thought they were trapped, God moved, God rescued, parted the @&$:+# waters and swallowed evil whole. You have all this and more in Christ....sheeze, I need to believe this too tonight!! 

Wednesday was my dad's birthday, so we all went to Charlottesville to watch UVA play Wake Forest. We had been inspired by the great WFU victory over UNC earlier that week, but unfortunately a different team showed up and we were trounced - at the time we left we were down by 30 points!!!  Thankfully, it was still a really fun night - got to have dinner with Mimi and Poppy and enjoy time with them.  We also got to ride in Poppy's enormous new car - it seats 12 people, so we are already planning lots of family trips together :-).

Thursday was a great day. The weather was gorgeous, and after our talk with Emmanuel we came home and had lunch and just enjoyed being here until it was time to do our rounds and pick up all the other kids :-).  We did Rosetta Stone that afternoon since we wouldn't be home that night, and he is really getting so good.  He is just so smart and I know he is going to pick it up so quickly. That evening some dear friends came over for dinner and it was truly perfect. I would like to share some of the words that she sent me in an email later that night, so that you can see that we are not the only ones in love with this boy (plus I just think she really gets him :-).

You can just tell (even with the language barrier) that he's humble, compassionate, and that he loves people...loves to be around them, interact, play with kids, animals, etc.  He is respectful, and not in a way that feels fake or like he's putting on a front.  He truly CARES about what others think and how they feel.  Just the way he looks at people...you can see in his eyes that he's kind and receptive. It was so sweet how he hung around all evening and kept coming back to sit at the table to be with us.  Even when we really didn't talk to him and the rest of the kids had left.  I was SO sad that I couldn't just talk to him...and my heart broke a little because i longed for him to be able to join in conversation and not feel left out.  but he genuinely seemed to just love being there with us and that just made me smile on the inside.  he is truly your son...in every way.

After dinner, Clint and Sam headed down to basketball practice and Liv, Sergey, Harry and I went to see the Hobbit.  Some very kind friends had given us movie passes for Christmas, so we took those and went for a fun evening.  At the time we had planned to go it was only in 3-D, so I saw my first 3-D movie ever.  It was pretty awesome - I think Sergey really liked it.  It was fun to see him move in his seat in response to things coming at him - especially in the Spiderman preview.  And then when we got home he had me take a picture of him in his glasses - they were a big hit :-).

Friday, after staying out super late at the movies, Sergey slept until almost 11:00!!!  When he came down, I said "You slept really late!!" and he looked at the clock. His eyes got really big and he said "Oiy!"  It made me laugh :-).  It rained ALL day, and we ran lots of errands and got stuff done (bagging shoes, dropping off/picking up a car for brake work, picking up shoes from various locations, etc.).  Friday early evening we all went up to Burkwood to blow off a little steam from being inside all day.  We had ALL SIX of us lined up in a row on the treadmills - I wish I could have gotten a picture of it :-). He is getting the hang of the treadmill, and ran a pretty quick 3 miles.  Then he did a bunch of weights and machines - I think when he is here for good we will be spending lots of time up there! We finished the evening off with a swim (let me clarify - everyone else swam and I watched ;-), and then had some pizza and headed home.  When we got home Harry and Sam worked on homework while Sergey and I did Rosetta Stone, and then I headed to bed to get ready for what was going to be a big weekend!!!

This weekend was the long-awaited 2nd Annual Jensen-Schmidt Tennis Academy, a tennis camp for folks with disabilities, down at VCU.  I brought them here for the first time last year, and it was truly a major highlight of the year for me (and, I think, for all the volunteers and athletes). Vince Schmidt, the man who volunteers his time to run these camps ever since he had a son with Down syndrome, is absolutely amazing.  I will include a few pictures here, but I have hundreds and every one of them is better than the last.  If you would like to join us next year as a volunteer buddy, please let me know - you will NOT regret it.  Sergey came with me last year on Sunday, but this year he came both days.  He was smiling the whole time and really seemed to enjoy himself.  I am not sure if he has had any exposure to anyone with special needs where he lives, so I am looking forward to being able to talk to him about it one day, once we have the ability to communicate about such things :-).  (Yesterday he saw a picture of a young man with Down syndrome and smiled big and pointed it out to me, so I think he gets it :-). For now, I can tell that he really enjoyed himself, and I absolutely loved having him there.

Saturday we went right from camp to Harry's basketball game, and then came home for a bit. We met some dear friends for dinner at Bass Pro Shop (pic below), which was super fun (and yummy :-).

Saturday night when we left Bass Pro we went to some friends' house and had the perfect evening of fun.  They have a ping pong table, on which we played many games of around-the-world ping pong, almost ALL of which Sergey won (despite each of us trying SO hard to beat him!!!).  Afterwards we headed inside and played Mexican train dominos.  I absolutely LOVE watching him learn new things, and I also always love watching him compete. And finally, I LOVE LOVE LOVE watching some of the people in my life who I love the most starting to fall in love with him too :-).  We stayed so long that Sam passed out on the floor watching football, and probably would have stayed even longer if Clint didn't have to get up and preach the next morning :-).  As an only child, I am so very VERY grateful to God that He continues to place people in my life who are like sisters/brothers to me.

Sunday we left for camp right from church, and then to Harry's basketball game right from camp. When we got home, Sergey headed immediately outside and started playing basketball.  He was still out there long after it got dark. At different times various folks went out to play with him (Clint, Harry, Sam), but he stayed out there for a really long time. I am hoping that he is catching the basketball bug and will want to play himself when he is here :-).  He was out until after dark again last night, and then actually got to play in a scrimmage at Harry's practice last night, so we hope to get him on a team this summer :-).

Yesterday we sent everyone back to school, and then had a day at home.  We went to the store to start to pull together the things he will be taking back with him.  I am thankful that I know better what he wants/needs in his backpack and suitcase.  He only gets 50 pounds in the suitcase, and then whatever we can shove into the backpack.  It was so fun walking around Target desperately trying to get him to tell me what he wanted. He is SO hesitant to share what he wants (he actually told us when we were with Emmanuel last week that he just doesn't like to ask for things. It wasn't something that was a result of the folks at his orphanage - it's just his personality.  I love getting to know more and more about him - it's like continuing to open a wonderful present :-).  We spent a bunch of money and left with lots of goodies for him to take back to his friends and teachers.  He did tell me about wanting a magnet of Virginia for his chaperone - it is the ONLY thing he has ever told me that he wants. I was so excited - Google translate even worked (!!) from Ukranian to English, and so I came home and posted on Facebook for suggestions of where to get one.  Social media kicked in - within hours I had 20 posts :-).  So today we will be heading back out to do some more shopping - he still needs to buy a present for his girlfriend as well :-).

After Target we went to Trader Joe's for some groceries, and then went to Liv's school for lunch.  At her new school, they have almost an hour for lunch every day, and are allowed to go outside to enjoy the beautiful grounds.  We waited for a day with nice weather, and then Sergey went and joined Liv and her friends for lunch.  As you might have guessed, they played soccer :-).  I know Liv loved having him there, and I could tell he enjoyed it too.  Can't imagine he won't look back on this picture and smile ;-).

Last night after getting home from the boys basketball practice (I had bible study so I got home after them) we put the other kids in bed and played one more game with just the three of us.  It was really fun to see how much more comfortable he has become with Clint, and to see them talking trash and mocking each other while playing - the way that males in this house show affection :-).  He even used some new English words that I have not heard him say before, like "chicken" :-).  We will probably spend some time today/tonight working on the photo album for him to take home.  The past two hosting trips I have done it for him - the first time as a surprise that we gave him in the hotel the night before, and then last time I gave it to him the night before he left.  This time we went and bought the album itself together, and when I asked him if he wanted one I could tell he really did.  I am so curious - does he still have those ones from past years? Does he look at them when he is in Ukraine? Does he miss us, or does he just live day to day?  So many questions - not sure how many of them will be answered, but grateful for the little discoveries we make every day.

I am not sure when the next time I will blog.  We will be taking him to the airport on Thursday - leaving here around mid-day for Dulles.  We don't have any big plans between now and then - just trying to squeeze every last second we have together as tightly as we can.  I think, as usual, I will be a wreck after he leaves, but knowing that we will hopefully be seeing him again in March on our first of three trips to Ukraine will be very comforting.  I am hoping to fill February with preparations for our trip, so that it will fly by.  The fact that nothing is really known for certain - when we will travel, how long we will be there, whether this will really happen, what will happen when we are there - tempts me very strongly to worry/doubt/be anxious/try to control things/get more to eat. However, last night's Bible study was a perfect message for me.  We are studying Matthew, and we had read the passage about Jesus walking out on the water to meet the disciples.  The thing that really struck me from the teaching was that Jesus had SENT them out into that storm.  They were being obedient to him, right in the middle of his will, right where he wanted them to be.  God does NOT promise us that there will not be storms, but he does promise that He will be with us in the midst of them.  We are not certain what will happen as we head out on this boat, but we are completely certain that he has sent us out, and so we go.  If (when?) storms come, I just pray that we will be willing, like Peter, to walk out towards Jesus, that my inclination will not be to desperately try to bail water/row harder/paddle faster, but to look to my Savior, my creator, the ONLY one who can rescue me, or Sergey, or any of us, in the middle of the storm.  He is the King of creation - so grateful He is my King.